I don't know what it's like to be adopted, but I have family members that are adopted.  I was told that my cousins were my cousins and that was it.  I didn't find out until I was older that some of my cousins were adopted.  It was no big deal -- they were my cousins and part of the family.  However, some family members were not as open and accepting.  Whatever!  It doesn't matter if you're blood or not -- family is family.

Some teens are adopted and find out from the moment they're brought home.  Unfortunately, some parents keep the adoption a secret.  This can backfire because children grow up and start asking questions, especially in their teens.  If this has happened to you, forgive your parents because they probably thought they made the right decision.  They were trying to protect you.  They kept your adoption a secret out of love.  It may not make sense, but when you're a parent you'll understand.

Teens if you're adopted you may not want to find your birth parents.  Chances are if you have a family then your already have connections, family dynamics, relations, and drama!  Do you really want to open up a can of worms that could potentially bring you more drama?

You may want to find your birth parents for various reasons such as medical history, genealogy project, curiosity, and closure.  Before you decide to find your birth parents discuss it with your adoptive parents because it will affect them as well.  Make sure all feelings are taken into consideration.  If you feel it's what you want to do then ask your adoptive parents to help you.

Some teens feel ashamed that they're adopted.  Abandonment issues will eat you alive if you let them.  This is why most teens want to find their birth parents so they can find out the reason why they were given up.  Sometimes birth mothers are 16 years-old or younger and can't care for their babies.  Of course, woman in their 20s decide to give up their child because they're just beginning their life and they're not ready for the responsibility of a child.  Whatever the reason, know that it was not your fault and you did nothing wrong.  You are a blessing that your family was waiting for.  Remember, many women are unable to have children and would do and pay anything to be able to have one!

If you're adopted and struggle with it, seek counseling to help you heal.  Remember that your parents chose you to be part of their family.  Out of many children waiting to be adopted, they chose you.  Be grateful because many children long to be part of a family.  Being adopted doesn't define you and neither does whose blood is running through your veins.  Family is family no matter if you're biological or not.

Links

National Adoption Information Clearinghouse
Adoption and Adolescence
Adoption Clubhouse

Each year many teens run away from home.  They live on the streets and up fending for themselves.  Some of them form groups and live together in abandoned buildings or go to shelters.  Unfortunately, the streets are not a safe place to be.  You could wind up losing your life or become involved in teen prostitution.  Think about that before you pack your bags and head out on your own.

Teens in abusive environments usually run away from home.  Their parents or guardians physically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually abuse them.  Some parents are addicted and don't take care of their teens.  This is why teens take to the streets because they believe it will be a better alternative to living in an unstable home environment.

Consequences of running away

What will you do for money?  Teens turn to drugs and prostitution in order to survive. In order to survive teens turn to pimps and drug dealers because they believe these people will protect them.  This is not true.  Drug dealers and pimps and are out for number one and to make money -- that's the bottom line.

Teens that run away are more likely to be infected by the age of 21 with HIV or other diseases.  You could also lose your life.  You don't know who you'll meet when you're on the streets.  Unfortunately, some people who live on the street have mental problems.  You could run into some trouble with homeless people who may be mentally unstable.  These people don't receive medical treatment and won't know or understand what they're doing to you.

Alternatives to running away

Running away won't solve your problems.  If you have trouble at home, tell a guidance counselor, confidant, friends, teachers, or anyone you trust.  There is help for you.  It's up to you to ask for it and trust that everything will work out in your favor.

It's true that all group homes are not created equally.  However, there are some group homes that are in your area that offer love, support, and kindness.  There are people who really do care about you and your well being. 

Don't give up

Even if you think your home life is unbearable, don't take to the streets.  At the end of this post are links to organizations that can help you.  Contact them first before you run away.  You don't know what you'll face on the streets; it could be 20 times worse than your current situation.  Have the courage to pick up the phone to change your life.  Have faith that it will be okay.

Links

Covenant House
National Center for Missing and Exploited Children
Child Find of America, Inc.
Teen Runaway -- Positive Alternatives
National Runaway Switchboard

Teens, some of you begin dating when you're 14 years-old.  Some of you may start dating when you're 16 years-old.  Whenever you begin to date, make sure you're responsible.  This means no drinking and driving and practicing safe sex if you're sexually active.

Dating can be thrilling and exciting; it can always be scary.  When you date, just have fun.  Avoid getting caught up in the whole romance of it and make it something that you're not ready for.  Even adults (especially women) fall into the trap of building up a date.  Before you know it, you're walking down the aisle, and having two kids!  Just date...be in the present moment and enjoy being a teen.

If you think you're sexually active, make sure you're prepared.  Read my blog "Teens Learn about Birth Control" to learn about the different forms of birth control.  It's imperative that you protect yourself by using a condom because you can contract STDs or STIs.

Dating tips

1.  Make sure you're ready to date.
2.  Have fun and avoid being "all serious" about dating -- you're a teen!
3.  Avoid allowing dating to interfere with your school work or extracurricular activities.
4.  Avoid giving up your identity for the sake of your boyfriend/girlfriend.
5.  If you breakup, know that it's not the end of the world, you'll find someone else.
6.  Protect yourself if you're sexually active.
7.  Enjoy being a teen.  If you don't date as a teen, you'll have plenty of opportunities when you're an adult.  Chances are you'll be more emotionally mature and ready anyway.

Dating can be exciting, but make sure it doesn't take over your life.  Your grades are important if you have a desire to go to college or university.  If your grades begin a downward slide, you may want to take a break from dating.

When you date, make sure you retain who you are.  Girls have a tendency more than boys to lose themselves in the dating world.  They drop their friends, extracurricular activities, hobbies, and grades when they get a boyfriend.  Avoid doing this because you'll fall into a pattern that you could carry into your adult life.  Yes, it's fun to have a boyfriend, but don't lose your identity because of it.  Be who you are and take time for yourself.  There's no reason to spend every waking moment (even in school) with your boyfriend.  Guys this goes for you as well.  Avoid getting wrapped up in a girl because chances are they will not be the "one."

Teens when you date just remember that you're a teen.  You'll have plenty of dating time when you reach adulthood.  If you happen to experience a break up, it may suck at first, but you'll survive.  Just think of it as practice.  Mourn the breakup but avoid going overboard about it.  You're young; you'll bounce back in no time and may find someone better.  Take your time and don't be in a hurry to grow up!

Spirituality seems to have taken the world by storm.  Every time you turn around there's this or that guru who claims he or she can help you become enlightened.  Some of them are scams; be careful that you aren't fooled by a person's cure all for your problems.

According to Wikipedia, "...spirituality can refer to an ultimate reality or transcendent dimension of the world; an inner path enabling a person to discover the essence of his or her being, or the “deepest values and meanings by which people live.  Spirituality is different from religion."  Read more of the Wiki on spirituality.

Spirituality differs from religion which is "...a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a supernatural  agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs."  Read more of the Wiki on religion.

How to develop your spirituality

You can develop your spirituality by reading books by authors such as Deepak Chopra, Doreen Virtue, Colette Baron Reid, Sonia Choquette, Lousie Hay, Dr. Wayne Dyer, and other authors who write on the mind, body, and spirit subject. 

You may think developing your spirituality is "woo-woo or too new agey" for you.  There's no reason for you to chant unless you want to do so.  It's recommended that you meditate for at least 5 or more minutes each day.  This means you quiet your mind.  You don't have to do a "guided mediation" where you find yourself walking in a forest, approaching a structure of your choice, etc...Meditation is what you make of it.

Why develop your spirituality

If you develop your spirituality now, it will serve you later in life.  Spirituality can help you feel connected to others.  Like or not, we are all connected.  This may be a tough pill for some of you to swallow, especially when you see your fellow teens doing goofy or self-destructive behaviors.  Hey, they have the right to be who they are -- just remember that!

Teens the earlier you develop your spirituality means you'll be more connected than most adults.  Know that there is a higher power, a creator if you will who is accessible to you 24/7.  Connect to your higher power today and watch as miracles appear in your life tomorrow and in the future!

When you lose a parent your world can turn upside down in an instant.  Being a teenager isn't easy and you need your parents for guidance.  When one or both of them die, you may feel that a hole has been cut out of your heart.  You may not know how to deal with the death and turn to self-destructive and self-sabotaging behaviors.  Avoid this at all cost.  Grieve for your parents, but don't throw your life away.  Remember that one day you'll see them again.

It's difficult when you lose a parent as a teen.  I didn't experience the death of my father until 2004 when I was 31, but I had friends that lost parents when they were teens.  One of my friends in my elementary school lost her mom in the 8th grade.  A few months later, her dad died.  What do you say besides "I'm sorry?"  Luckily, she had an older brother to lean on for support along with other family members.

Losing your mom or dad can be one of the worst experiences of your life, especially for girls.  They go to their mom for personal issues more than they do their dad.  What do you do if you're a teen girl and your mom dies?  Hopefully, you have female siblings or role models in your life that you are comfortable with and can open up about certain topics like sex, dating, fashion, etc...that you may not be comfortable speaking with your dad.  This goes for boys as well.  You may not be comfortable speaking to your mom about certain topics.  Find male role models that can fill that space.

Tips to coping with the death of a parent

1.  Join a support group for teens.
2.  Talk to your sibling(s), friends, living parent, family members, guidance counselor, therapist, priest, Rabbi, minister, spiritual counselor, or whomever you trust.
3.  Let all of your emotions out.  Forgot about being strong and holding it in because you'll do more damage to your body and psyche than you know!  Let it all out and grieve.
4.  Visit your parent's grave if that helps you stay connected.
5.  Celebrate your parent's death by remembering them every day, on their birthday, and during the holidays.
6.  Volunteer at your parent's favorite organization.
7.  Raise money if your mom or dad has died from a disease.
8.  Know that you'll always have your mom and dad with you.

Avoid punishing yourself for your parent's death.  Some teens believe it's their fault when their mom or dad dies.  They begin to feel guilty because they didn't listen, were difficult, or didn't try harder in school.  It's not your fault if your mom or dad became sick.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people -- that's the way it is.

If you lost or just lost your mom or dad, get help today.  Avoid bottling up your emotions because you'll explode like a pressure cooker.  Talk to people and let them help you.  Self-sabotaging yourself with drugs, alcohol, and other dangerous behavior is not the answer.  If you're pissed off and angry, go 10 rounds in the gym or take up martial arts.  Get your emotions out in a healthy way.  Life will get better with time.  It's a clichéd saying, but it's true.  Give yourself time to grieve and be gentle as you go through the process.  Your world just came crashing down -- it's not like you'll be all right overnight.  Take care of yourself  and life will slowly get back to normal.

Links

Coping with Grief and Loss:  Support for Grieving
eHealth
Helping Teenagers Cope with Death

Being a teenager can be challenging.  One challenge is making friends.  Some teens have an easy time making friends while other struggle to make one friend.  The key is to make the "right" friends.  Avoid getting caught up in the "popularity" contests of schools because it's not all what it's cracked up to be.  Remember, all that glitters is not gold!

Many teens long to be part of the popular clicks in school.  Why?  Sometimes they're not the nicest teens in school.  What would make you want to be part of a group of people who may cause others pain?  In fact, that's a sign of weakness and insecurity.  Are you weak or insecure?  Think about that before you do whatever it takes to become part of the popular crowd.

Make friends that are right for you.  Find other teens that you share common interests with and eat lunch together and hang out after school.  These friendships are real and authentic.  Cultivating these types of friendships will serve you now and in the future.

Become friends with other teens who understand the meaning of friendship.  Being a good friend means you'll be there through the good and bad times.  You won't bale if you hit a rough patch.  These are friends who'll have your back no matter what.

A true friend will not ask you to do something illegal or something your uncomfortable doing.  Yes, all teens face peer pressure at some point in time, but a true friend will not ask you to put yourself in harm's way just to have a good time. 

Forget about outer appearances.  A person may look nice on the outside but the inside is another story.  Did you know that the most beautiful people in the world can have the ugliest personalities?  It's true.  You may believe that a teen is good and kind because he/ she is handsome or pretty, but he/she could have a personality that can send you running for your life.  Ouch!  Do you really want to hang around another teen that isn't that great of a person?  Your life could become a living hell!  Is that what you want?

Teens make friends that are right for you.  Surround yourself with like-minded teens and those who are positive.  Being around other teens that are known as "Debbie Downers or Negative Nick's" can drain your energy.  Choose your friends wisely!

This is Part Two of the blog "Teens Stay Away from Gangs."  It will address why teens join gangs and how to avoid them. 

Being in a gang is not what it's cracked up to be.  Think about it.  You take orders from someone else.  Do you really want to give your power away to someone?  Who has the right to tell you what to do?  It's interesting that teens join gangs because most teens can't stand it when their parents tell them what to do.  But yet, teens join gangs where the leader and second in commands will tell you what to do.  Go figure!

Why join a gang?

Many teens join gangs because they want a sense of belonging.  Parents are usually self-absorbed or into drugs and alcohol.  Teens don't have good role models anyone that gives a damn about them.  Gangs come across as "family" who will do whatever it takes to protect their own.  And, they mean anything.  They have no problem taking out rival gang members.  Depending on which state you live in, you could face 20 to life for murder.  Does that sound good if you're 16 years-old?  Think about that before you join a gang.  You'll be putting your life on the line.

How to avoid gangs

Don't get caught up in school fights.  Go to the local youth center, church program, or library after school.  Take part in extracurricular activities that keep you at school under the watchful eye of teachers and coaches.  Many gang members are just looking for a sense of belonging.  Perhaps if they had something to do after school, they wouldn't be in gangs.

It sucks if you have to be on your own after school, I get it.  I was a "latch-key" kid which means mom and dad were not home when I got home.  I came home to empty house and the dog.  My parents were working to keep a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and clothes on my back.  I was very fortunate that my parents weren't strung out on drugs.  However, my father had a drinking problem, but I dealt with that they best I could.  I made the decision not to get into trouble because I knew the consequences I would face if I did.  And, I'm not talking about gang related consequences.  My mom and dad would have ripped me a new one if I got into trouble!  Plus, going to a juvenile detention center wasn't appealing to me.

Teens stay away from gangs.  Find something to do after school.  Here's a tip:  do your homework and read!  Go to the local YMCA/YWCA, youth center, or library.  Get involved at school and join extracurricular activities if you can.  Seek out adults who'll be there for you when your parents are at work or are not around to care for you.   Remember you have a choice.  You can either make something of yourself or you can go down a path that can lead you to an early grave or life in prison.  The choice is yours.  Make sure you think about that before you decide to join a gang.

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Some teens think that being apart of a gang is cool.  Others belong to gangs because they give them a sense of family and belonging.  The fact is that gangs can ruin your life because all of the trouble you'll get into by being with them.  You just don't join a gang.  You must be initiated into it and that can lead you down a path you may not want to walk.

European-American gangs date back to the 1780s.  Street gangs in the U.S. can be traced back to the 1800s.  Gangs are not new.  They gained momentum in the U.S. in the late 1960s.  The Vietnam War was raging and poverty was growing in America.  Poor socio-economic conditions across the U.S. led to the formation of gangs and they've been going strong since that time.  It's been reported that they are 500,000 gang members in the U.S.  That's the size of a large city!

Initiation into a gang

To be initiated into a gang you'll either are "jumped" which means you fight the most powerful gang members for 30 seconds.  Another initiation tactic is to get "walked in" which means you have a friendship with the leader of the gang.  You could be "trained into" a gang.  This is when you have sex with all of the guy or girl gangsters.  If you do something worthy like steal something or kill a member of a rival gang then you can become apart of the gang.  It's amazing how well organized gangs are.  They have all of these rituals and initiation that it's like becoming part of a secret society!

Signs, symbols and colors

Gangs usually have their own signs, symbols, and colors.  In most urban areas you can see gang symbols on city walls.  Graffiti or tagging is usually the handy work of gangs.  Skateboards also tag some of the work could be done by them as well.

1.  Colors.
2.  Hand signs.
3.  Clothing such as shoes, baggy pants, bandannas, football team jackets (right color), and other accessories can be found in gangs.
4.  Tattoos are popular.
5.  Pagers.
6.  Weapons such as guns, knives, and chains.

If you're from a rival gang and wear another gang's colors that could mean trouble for you.  Many teens wind up in the hospital or morgue because they wore the wrong color or they're trying to intimidate rival gangs.  This is not a smart move.

This concludes Part 1 of "Teens Stay Away from Gangs."  Part 2 will address why teens join gangs and how they can avoid them.  If you're approached to join a gang, just say no!  Stay out of fights in school, keep your focus on school, and do the best you can.  You will make it if you really desire to do so!

Believe it or not I, Rebecca, was once a shy teen.  It seems like only yesterday that I would try to hide behind my desk in school hoping the teacher wouldn't call on me.  That didn't work.  The teacher would call on me.  I started opening up in the 8th grade.  In fact, my 8th grade teacher told me to go back into my shell because I was becoming very outspoken.  Her words could have put me back into my shell.  Being a stubborn and bullheaded teen, I did the opposite.  I came out of my shell even more!  Once I got to high school there was no looking back.

Many teens that are shy have low self-esteem and self-confidence.  They usually have a deep fear of not being good enough.  You are good enough.  Loving yourself is the first step to overcoming your shyness.  Look in the mirror every day and say, "...I am beautiful and everybody loves or I love you."  Saying "I love you" to yourself may seem weird or be difficult at first, but in time it will become natural. 

Some teens have trouble voicing their opinion.   You have every right to speak your opinion.  Napoleon Hill said, "...opinions are the cheapest commodities."  Everyone has opinions and they are not afraid to share them.  Try voicing your opinions with family and friends.  This way you'll be in a safe environment and will not feel overwhelmed.  You'll also gain confidence and improve your self-esteem.

Tips to overcoming shyness

1.  Smile at people.
2.  Look in the mirror each day and tell yourself that you love you.
3.  Become friends with at least two people whom you share similar interests.
4.  Join groups that interest you.
5.  Begin to voice your opinion with people whom you trust.
6.  Volunteer for your favorite charity -- you may have to be 16 years old to do this one.
7.  Get a pen pal -- someone you write to who lives in another country.  Ask your parents first before you do this.

Making friends can be difficult if you're a shy teen.  You may have a fear of rejection which is why you may not have friends.  Find people who have similar interests.  If you like chess, join the chess club.  If you like theater, join the drama club.  If you like cheering for sports teams, try out for the cheerleading team.  The last one may be daunting but do it anyway.  Feel the fear and step into it.  This is the only way you'll overcome your shyness.  You must DO something about it.

Some teens use shyness as a protective barrier.  Perhaps they've been hurt and feel they can't trust people.  They'll stick to themselves and stay in their shell just like a turtle.  When turtles feel threatened, they pull their heads into their hard shell and remain still so they can't be hurt.  Being like a turtle all of the time is not healthy.  Come out of your shell and be part of the world.  Yes, you may get hurt, but that's life.  Deal with it and move forward with your life.  It will get better.

Teens with a little work and perseverance, you can overcome your shyness.  It's a choice.  You can choose to be shy or not.  Life is meant to be fun!  It would be ashame if you spent the rest of your life being shy.  People will not get to see your talents, hear your brilliant ideas, and get to know the real you.  Take baby steps to break out of your shell today and tomorrow you can begin to live your life to the fullest!

What do you do if you're a teenage girl who is raped or molested and become pregnant?  What if you become pregnant because you're sexually active and didn't use protection?  Do you keep the baby?  Do you have the baby and give it up for adoption?  Do you have an abortion?  These are heavy questions that some teenage girls face every day.  Before you make a decision to have an abortion, get help and support to make the decision that is best for you.  An abortion is permanent; you cannot undo it once it's done.

Having an abortion is not a light decision to make, especially if you've been raised in a strict religious home.  Once you decide to have an abortion and go through with it, your life may not be the same.  You may experience an array of emotions from guilt to shame to anger.   Keeping your feelings bottled up is not a good idea.  Know that you made the best decision you could at a particular moment in time.  Counseling will help you deal with your decision to have an abortion and the aftermath of it.

Fact:  Did you know that 60% of the pregnancies in the U.S. are unplanned?  Teens, you make up 21% of that number.  Unfortunately, half of the pregnancies end up in abortion.

Types of abortions

Abortions occur in the first three months.  A surgical abortion is when a doctor does a manual vacuum aspiration which can be performed in about 10 minutes in a doctor's office.  This type of abortion can be done within the first 10 weeks of pregnancy.  You either have local anesthesia or a tranquilizer.  You may experience bleeding and cramping for seven days after an abortion.  If the bleeding continues, you change pads every two hours, or you have a high fever get to a doctor.  Complications may occur from having an abortion.

D & C (dilatation suction curettage), another surgical procedure also uses suction.  This is performed between week four and week 13.  Both MVA and D & C require the cervix to be stretched open so a tube can be inserted.  The tube empties the uterus.

The latest abortion method is RU-486 (mifepristone).  These are pills that a woman can take to cause an abortion.  It's popular in Europe but it's presence in the U.S. has been slowed by anti-abortion groups.

Your choice

Teen girls make the right decision for you.  Perhaps you're not ready to have a child.  Maybe you were raped or molested and wouldn't want a child that is from such horrific actions.  Whatever you do, get the facts and do what is best for you.  The decision you make will effect the rest of your life.

Having a baby as a teenager is not an easy path to follow.  Speak with your parents, guidance counselor, priest, minister, legal guardian, rabbi, or whomever you trust to help you with this delicate decision.  Whatever you decide know that you are making the best choice you can make at that moment in time.  Be gentle with yourself and let go of judgment and guilt because if you don't it will eat you alive.  May peace wash over you now and in the future.

Links

Planned Parenthood
Teen Breaks.com
National Abortion Federation
Exhale
National Right to Life