On the July 1, 2010 episode of Dr. Phil, a mother who's an alcoholic was on the show along with her teenage daughter.   The mother also brought her friend for support.  The daughter believed her mother's alcoholism was her fault.  Her mom was under stress and she believed that she was responsible for the stress, therefore, causing her mom to drink 15 beers or more per day.  Take note:  it wasn't the daughter's fault.  The mother was capable of making her own decisions.  No one held a gun to her head and told her she had to drink beer every day.

Dr. Phil reached out to the mom and offered her help via a rehab facility in Texas.  The catch was the mom had to leave right after to show in order to receive treatment.  There was no going back home because that would provide temptation to stay and do nothing.  The mom took the offer.

Why do teens believe alcoholism is their fault?

Speak to any psychologist and they'll tell you that children internalize everything.  This is why the teenage girl thought her mom's drinking was her fault.  She heard and listened to her mom's complaints of being stressed.  The daughter internalized it as her fault because if the mom didn't have to take care of her and the home, she wouldn't be stressed.  It gets worse -- the girl thought her mom would die from drinking and it would be her fault.  It wouldn't be her fault; it would be the mother's fault because she continued on a self-destructive path.

It's not your fault

It's not your fault if your mom or dad is an alcoholic.  Chances are they're pissed off because their life didn't turn out the way they thought it would.  They're mad at the world because people around them are receiving the breaks they feel should go to them.  Again, it's not your fault.  Your mom or dad chose to drink, whether consciously or unconsciously; it's their life.

The embarrassment of alcoholism

The girl on the Dr. Phil episode was embarrassed by her mother's drinking.  She couldn't have friends over the house.  You could hear the pain in her voice when she spoke about her mom's drinking problem.

When the mom would take her to soccer practice and games, she'd make a fool out of herself and embarrass her daughter.  Yes, sometimes the mom drove under the influence.  She eventually received a D.U.I. (driving under the influence).

Solution

Being a teenager is awkward enough.  The teen years can become unbearable when you add an alcoholic mom or dad to the mix.  You may feel alone most of the time but help is available.  Organizations such as Alateen and Al-Anon can help you understand alcoholism. 

Have compassion and forgiveness for your mom or dad.  They're doing the best they can.  Forgiving them doesn't mean that what they've done to you is all right.  It's a way to release you from the situation.  Remember, it's not your fault!

Your family means well but if you come from a dysfunctional background, they could be ruining your mind and life.  Is your family positive or negative?  What kinds of words do they say?  How do they feel about finances and money?  How supportive are they of your dreams?  Think about the words your family speaks and pay close attention to them because there could be a pattern that could be wreaking havoc on your life.

Let's face it; most parents raise their kids based on how they were raised.  It's not their fault.  A dysfunctional cycle repeats itself if no one stops it.  Your parents are just doing what they know.  You have the power to break the cycle once and for all.  Aren't you worth it?

Be careful with your words

There's some truth to the saying "be careful what you wish for."  The words you speak and think do create your life.  Are you always thinking negative thoughts like no one likes me?  Why can't I be smart like my brother?  How come she receives all the good breaks?  Negative thinking and words produces more negativity in your life.

You may not be able to help the way you speak and think because of your toxic environment.  If you're constantly bombarded with negativity it only makes sense that you'll probably be negative.  Unless, you decide today to stop listening!  Think about it, most parents complain that their kids don't listen to them.  This could work in your favor.  If mom and dad are pessimistic about finances and say stuff like, "...there's never enough, money doesn't grow on trees, you have to work hard, or life sucks," refuse to listen.  How do you know that there isn't enough?  How do you know you have to work hard?  There are many people who earn a great living, and they're not working hard!  They may love what they do and put in long hours, but the key point is they LOVE what they do -- it's not work to them.

Note:  I used to think that creating your life by the words you speak and your thoughts was a bunch of hooey, until I took a step back and evaluated my life now and in the past.  I noticed I created the same situations with different people.  This would be fine if I was writing a novel and needed different characters but this is my life.  I have no desire to go through crappy situations again.  I'd rather learn the lesson and move forward with my life.

What are you thinking?

Dr. Phil's famous for asking guests, "...what were you thinking?"  Well, what are you thinking?  Are you constantly thinking icky thoughts?  If you are, you could be creating a life that's filled with misery.  Take a look at your life right now.  How is it?  Do you have happiness and good fortune?  Do you have problems that never seem to end?  The first step is to evaluate your thoughts.  What do you think about every day?  Are they positive or negative thoughts?  Co-creating your life begins with a single thought.  It's not uncommon for you to have 60,000+thoughts per day.  That's a lot going on in your mind!

Give focus thinking a try for one week.  Think about what makes you happy.  Think about what you're grateful for in your life.  If a negative thought pops into your head say, '...thank you for sharing and let it float out of your mind."  You may be surprised at how your life begins to shift.

Remember, you get what you put out into the universe.  You may as think happy/positive thoughts that will create joy versus sucky thoughts that will create doom and gloom.  It's your decision!

You just have to love the adults in your life.  Sometimes when they open their mouths, the most negative words come out.  These words can do more damage than a punch to the stomach.  If you have people in your life that cut you down, just ignore them.

Sometimes the adults in your life don't realize how their words impact you.  Words can damage you for the rest of your life if you allow them to do so.  You have the power to delete the vile words that have been spoken over you.  Begin today so your present and future won't be tainted.

My niece's experience

My niece will be a senior in high school next year.  She's applying to colleges in Ohio and has begun to visit the colleges/universities of her choice.  I'm very supportive of her as are my mom and sister (her mom).   However, my niece's other grandma isn't that supportive.  She told my niece that she wasn't smart enough to get into the college of her dreams and questioned why my niece wanted to go to school far away.  I know the answer to the latter part of the question -- she wants to get away from certain family members.

My niece had a meltdown because her grandma, a family member, cut her and her dream down.  I immediately emailed my niece after I heard this.  Needless to say, I was absolutely livid and wanted to give the other grandma a piece of my mind.  After I calmed down, I realized that some people are still "asleep" and don't realize the power and impact of their words. 

I coached my niece and suggested she visualize herself at the college of her choice.  I gave her some affirmations to say so she could override and delete the words of the other grandma.  My niece is smart enough not to listen to this side of the family, but I wanted to ensure that she cleared out this negativity.

You are smart enough

If you have a strong desire to study a certain field or begin your own business, allow no one, not even family members to stop you.  When they say stuff like, "...you're not smart enough, you won't succeed, you'll never reach your goals, or there's no way you can do it," look at them and say, "....thank you for sharing."  Walk or run away from these people as fast as you can.  It's unfortunate, but you may have to limit the amount of time you spend with these people until you feel strong enough to be around them.

You create your life

What you can believe you can achieve is what Napoleon Hill said.  You have the power to live the life you want to now and in the future.  Limit the amount of time you spend around negative people.  In fact, it would be best if you stay away from these people all together.  Sometimes it's not easy to do because they're usually family members.  You can always excuse yourself and go to the bathroom or for a walk.  Clear you mind and picture yourself surrounded by a white light of protection.  Take a deep breath and realize that your family members are doing the best they can -- they're just asleep in their lives.

The next time someone tries to squash your dreams just ignore them.  Send them lots of love because they don't know what they're doing.  It's your life and you can be, do, and have anything you want.  You'll be required to take "inspired action."  When you do you'll create a beautiful life for you and that's what matters most!

According to Gayle Kimball, Ph.D, author of The Teen Trip, "44% of all school-age children with employed parents are latchkey kids (refers to wearing a key around their neck to let themselves into their home)."  It's a fact that both parents work today.  Some work two and three jobs to make ends meet.  If you're a latchkey kid, remember your parents are doing their best to put food on the table, keep a roof over the family's head, and clothes on everyone's back. 

Some teens may not feel comfortable being home alone.  You may feel scared or very alone because you're not allowed to go outside when your parents aren't home.  Maybe you have older siblings who boss you around because they're bigger than you. 

It may suck to be home by yourself but you have options.  Instead of going home, maybe you can go to a youth center or library.  This way you'll be surrounded by people and feel more secure.  Maybe you can call a friend or hotline like PhoneFriend where you can speak to someone while your parents are gone.  It could help pass the time after you've finished your homework.

Some teens may find being at home without any parents liberating.  It gives them a chance to find their independence and to get a taste of what it's like to be on their own.  If they have siblings, it gives them a chance to develop and exercise their diplomatic, negotiation, and conflict resolution skills!

Being a latchkey kid doesn't give you a free pass to do whatever you want.  It doesn't mean you can have friends over and party!  Your parents will eventually find out what you've been up to and you'll face the consequences for your actions.  Think about that before you tell everyone your parents are not home.

As a latchkey kid you may develop resentment towards your parents.  Remember they're responsible for taking care of you and are doing the best they can.  Take it easy on them and do your part to help out.  Complete your homework, watch your younger siblings or listen to your older ones, help with chores, and be the best you can be!

Personal Experience:  I used to be a "latchkey kid" when I was growing up in the 1980s.  Both my parents worked and my older sister started working when she was 16-years-old (there's a 6 year gap between us).  I'd walk home from school or from the bus and let myself into the house.  Sometimes my sister was at home, but we didn't get along.  When she turned 16-years-old, she got a part-time job.  After that, it was me and the dog. 

When I was older I'd fix my own dinner which meant heating up what my mom cooked the night before on the stove or in the microwave.  I had to do my homework and whatever chores I had.  As a teen, I thought this arrangement sucked big time.  I resented my mom for some time because she wasn't at home when I got home from school like some of the other kids moms.

As an adult, I can see how being a latchkey kid  shaped my character, made me a strong person, and developed my independence.  It's amazing how you can find the gifts in the places you think are the darkest.

Links

PhoneFriend (check your area for the local number)

I don't know what it's like to be adopted, but I have family members that are adopted.  I was told that my cousins were my cousins and that was it.  I didn't find out until I was older that some of my cousins were adopted.  It was no big deal -- they were my cousins and part of the family.  However, some family members were not as open and accepting.  Whatever!  It doesn't matter if you're blood or not -- family is family.

Some teens are adopted and find out from the moment they're brought home.  Unfortunately, some parents keep the adoption a secret.  This can backfire because children grow up and start asking questions, especially in their teens.  If this has happened to you, forgive your parents because they probably thought they made the right decision.  They were trying to protect you.  They kept your adoption a secret out of love.  It may not make sense, but when you're a parent you'll understand.

Teens if you're adopted you may not want to find your birth parents.  Chances are if you have a family then your already have connections, family dynamics, relations, and drama!  Do you really want to open up a can of worms that could potentially bring you more drama?

You may want to find your birth parents for various reasons such as medical history, genealogy project, curiosity, and closure.  Before you decide to find your birth parents discuss it with your adoptive parents because it will affect them as well.  Make sure all feelings are taken into consideration.  If you feel it's what you want to do then ask your adoptive parents to help you.

Some teens feel ashamed that they're adopted.  Abandonment issues will eat you alive if you let them.  This is why most teens want to find their birth parents so they can find out the reason why they were given up.  Sometimes birth mothers are 16 years-old or younger and can't care for their babies.  Of course, woman in their 20s decide to give up their child because they're just beginning their life and they're not ready for the responsibility of a child.  Whatever the reason, know that it was not your fault and you did nothing wrong.  You are a blessing that your family was waiting for.  Remember, many women are unable to have children and would do and pay anything to be able to have one!

If you're adopted and struggle with it, seek counseling to help you heal.  Remember that your parents chose you to be part of their family.  Out of many children waiting to be adopted, they chose you.  Be grateful because many children long to be part of a family.  Being adopted doesn't define you and neither does whose blood is running through your veins.  Family is family no matter if you're biological or not.

Links

National Adoption Information Clearinghouse
Adoption and Adolescence
Adoption Clubhouse

Each year many teens run away from home.  They live on the streets and up fending for themselves.  Some of them form groups and live together in abandoned buildings or go to shelters.  Unfortunately, the streets are not a safe place to be.  You could wind up losing your life or become involved in teen prostitution.  Think about that before you pack your bags and head out on your own.

Teens in abusive environments usually run away from home.  Their parents or guardians physically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually abuse them.  Some parents are addicted and don't take care of their teens.  This is why teens take to the streets because they believe it will be a better alternative to living in an unstable home environment.

Consequences of running away

What will you do for money?  Teens turn to drugs and prostitution in order to survive. In order to survive teens turn to pimps and drug dealers because they believe these people will protect them.  This is not true.  Drug dealers and pimps and are out for number one and to make money -- that's the bottom line.

Teens that run away are more likely to be infected by the age of 21 with HIV or other diseases.  You could also lose your life.  You don't know who you'll meet when you're on the streets.  Unfortunately, some people who live on the street have mental problems.  You could run into some trouble with homeless people who may be mentally unstable.  These people don't receive medical treatment and won't know or understand what they're doing to you.

Alternatives to running away

Running away won't solve your problems.  If you have trouble at home, tell a guidance counselor, confidant, friends, teachers, or anyone you trust.  There is help for you.  It's up to you to ask for it and trust that everything will work out in your favor.

It's true that all group homes are not created equally.  However, there are some group homes that are in your area that offer love, support, and kindness.  There are people who really do care about you and your well being. 

Don't give up

Even if you think your home life is unbearable, don't take to the streets.  At the end of this post are links to organizations that can help you.  Contact them first before you run away.  You don't know what you'll face on the streets; it could be 20 times worse than your current situation.  Have the courage to pick up the phone to change your life.  Have faith that it will be okay.

Links

Covenant House
National Center for Missing and Exploited Children
Child Find of America, Inc.
Teen Runaway -- Positive Alternatives
National Runaway Switchboard

When you lose a parent your world can turn upside down in an instant.  Being a teenager isn't easy and you need your parents for guidance.  When one or both of them die, you may feel that a hole has been cut out of your heart.  You may not know how to deal with the death and turn to self-destructive and self-sabotaging behaviors.  Avoid this at all cost.  Grieve for your parents, but don't throw your life away.  Remember that one day you'll see them again.

It's difficult when you lose a parent as a teen.  I didn't experience the death of my father until 2004 when I was 31, but I had friends that lost parents when they were teens.  One of my friends in my elementary school lost her mom in the 8th grade.  A few months later, her dad died.  What do you say besides "I'm sorry?"  Luckily, she had an older brother to lean on for support along with other family members.

Losing your mom or dad can be one of the worst experiences of your life, especially for girls.  They go to their mom for personal issues more than they do their dad.  What do you do if you're a teen girl and your mom dies?  Hopefully, you have female siblings or role models in your life that you are comfortable with and can open up about certain topics like sex, dating, fashion, etc...that you may not be comfortable speaking with your dad.  This goes for boys as well.  You may not be comfortable speaking to your mom about certain topics.  Find male role models that can fill that space.

Tips to coping with the death of a parent

1.  Join a support group for teens.
2.  Talk to your sibling(s), friends, living parent, family members, guidance counselor, therapist, priest, Rabbi, minister, spiritual counselor, or whomever you trust.
3.  Let all of your emotions out.  Forgot about being strong and holding it in because you'll do more damage to your body and psyche than you know!  Let it all out and grieve.
4.  Visit your parent's grave if that helps you stay connected.
5.  Celebrate your parent's death by remembering them every day, on their birthday, and during the holidays.
6.  Volunteer at your parent's favorite organization.
7.  Raise money if your mom or dad has died from a disease.
8.  Know that you'll always have your mom and dad with you.

Avoid punishing yourself for your parent's death.  Some teens believe it's their fault when their mom or dad dies.  They begin to feel guilty because they didn't listen, were difficult, or didn't try harder in school.  It's not your fault if your mom or dad became sick.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people -- that's the way it is.

If you lost or just lost your mom or dad, get help today.  Avoid bottling up your emotions because you'll explode like a pressure cooker.  Talk to people and let them help you.  Self-sabotaging yourself with drugs, alcohol, and other dangerous behavior is not the answer.  If you're pissed off and angry, go 10 rounds in the gym or take up martial arts.  Get your emotions out in a healthy way.  Life will get better with time.  It's a clichéd saying, but it's true.  Give yourself time to grieve and be gentle as you go through the process.  Your world just came crashing down -- it's not like you'll be all right overnight.  Take care of yourself  and life will slowly get back to normal.

Links

Coping with Grief and Loss:  Support for Grieving
eHealth
Helping Teenagers Cope with Death

Teens your hormones are probably raging every second.  This is normal.  It's the process of life.  You start out as a baby, become a toddler, move into pre-teen, hit the teen years, and then become an adult.  The key to handling your teen years is to get a control over your emotions and hormones as best as you can.  This sounds easier said than done.

Your emotions can go from 0 to 60 in less than 2.5 seconds!  Relax, this is normal.  However, getting a grip on your emotions will help you to experience a happier, relaxed life. Remember don't stuff your emotions because this will make matters worse.

Teens, when you grow up you'll experience changes in your body.  This means your hormones will take over for some time to help your body grow.  You'll have feelings that you never felt before and that's all right.  There's no reason to be afraid.  Everyone has gone through the teen years and survived and so will you.

Tips to dealing with your hormones

1.  Don't give into temptation.  You may be tempted to have pre-marital sex, but the consequence will appear 9 months later in the form of a baby.  Ready my blog about teen pregnancy before you do anything rash.

2.  Meditate.  It's not for monks or new-age people.  Meditation can help calm your body, mind, and spirit.  You'll feel more relaxed and at peace.

3.  Workout.  There's nothing like a good workout to release those raging hormones.  Take up kick boxing, Karate, running, hiking, or yoga.

4.  Get in touch with your creativity.  Use your imagination to paint, draw, write, and design.  You can dance and act.  Use your creativity to channel your hormones and emotions.  You'd be surprised at what you'll create.

5.  Deep breathing techniques.  The next time you're about to "fly off the handle," pause, count to 10, and take 10 deep breaths.  Deep breathing will calm you down and it keeps you in check.

Your raging hormones will cause you to have mood swings.  One minute you'll be sweet as pie and the next minute you'll be on fire.  Take it all in stride.  Feel your feelings and don't over analyze them.  Avoid doing anything rash. 

Teens your body's changing and you're not sure what's happening.  All of a sudden you're interested in boys or girls and you don't know why.  This is apart of growing up.  It happened to your parents and it's happening to you.  That's the cycle of life!  Just remember to pause and think before you act!

Both my niece (16 years-old) and nephew (13 years-old) have lost a lot of friends in the past couple of years.  Yesterday, my mom informed me that my niece lost a friend to open heart surgery; she became sick and died.  My nephew lost a friend who was cleaning his rifle -- it went off and killed him.  Why a 13 year-old was cleaning a rifle is beyond me.  Why he was handling a rifle without parental supervision is also beyond me.

It's bad enough teens must deal with the death of loved ones but to lose your friends is another situation.  How do you cope when you lose someone who's not only your own age, but your friend?  Teens probably have many questions about "why" their friend had to die.  When it's a senseless death like a self-inflicted gunshot, it only makes matters worse.

Tips to coping with death

1.  Grieve.  Make sure you take time to grieve for your friend.  There is no time limit on grief.  You'll know when you've finished grieving for your friend.  Remember, your friend is not really gone.  They may be physically gone, but spiritually they live on somewhere else.
2.  Remember the good times.  To help you cope with the death of your friend, remember how much fun they were -- this will make you smile.  They'd want you to be happy, it's ok to laugh and smile when you remember your friend.
3.  Let the tears flow.  Whenever you feel like crying, just do it.  Yes, guys it's all right for you to cry.  This is a great way to release and purge your emotions.
4.  Workout your emotions.  If you have a lot of anger, release your intense emotions by working out.  Kick boxing, karate, hiking, running, yoga, or whatever you like will help you heal.  It's cathartic to release your emotions.  Let all your emotions out in a healthy way.
5.  Journal.  Writing your thoughts and articulating your feelings in a journal can be therapeutic.  Hold nothing back when you journal -- let it all out.  You can draw and write in your journal to express your emotions about your friend's death.

Life doesn't always make sense.  Sometimes events occur that are beyond our control.  You can only control you react situations.  When you lose a friend you'll go through the grieving process which includes:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  Allow the process to occur because you'll heal from your friend's death.  Your emotions will eat you alive if you don't grieve.  Your body can manifest your emotions with a dis-ease.  This is no way to grieve for your friend.

Coping with teen death is not easy for anyone.  Parents lose a child and you lose a best friend.  No, it doesn't make any sense, but that's life.  Make sure you live each day to the fullest because you never know what lies around the corner.

Teens have a difficult time coping with divorce and separation.  They often believe it's something they did wrong.  Stop thinking like that because it's not your fault.  Your parents either grew apart or were not compatible.  Remember, most people get married "just to say" they're married.  Here's a tip:  that's not a good reason to get married!

Divorce seems so final.  Coping with divorce and separation can wear you down.  It sucks when you're shuffled back and forth between mom and dad, but try to make the most of it.  Think of it as a BIG learning lesson that you can apply when you become an adult.  For example, you do not have to follow in your parents footsteps.

Teens cope with divorce and separation by refusing to allow mom and dad to use you like a "pawn" on a chess board.  Often, divorce becomes about "what he did to me and what she did to me."  Teens are usually caught in the crossfire.  Have the courage to approach your parents and tell them YOU WILL NOT be put in the middle!

Tips for handling divorce

1.  Remember that mom and dad are not divorcing because of you.  Parents divorce for many reasons.  It has nothing to do with you!  This is very important for you to acknowledge because many teens feel it's their fault.  Again, it's not your fault.

2.  Stand up for yourself.  Make it clear to mom and dad that you will not be used.  It's not fair to put you in the middle of the divorce or separation.  Parents do this because they are hurt, especially when infidelity (cheating spouse) has occurred.  By doing this, mom believes she's hurting dad and vice versa.  The only people they hurt are the kids.

3.  Attend counseling.  Your parents may choose to seek marriage and family therapy.  This is a great idea because it will help you cope with the divorce and separation.

4.  Feel and express your feelings.  There's no reason for you to hide your emotions.  Expressing your emotions is a healthy way for you to cope with divorce and separation.  Avoid stuffing your emotions with food, drugs, or alcohol.  Self-inflicted wounds are not the answer either.  You want to express your emotions in a healthy, safe way.  Go for a run or walk; punch a pillow.  Join a gym or sports team.  Take up MMA (mixed martial arts) and work through the pain. 

Teens cope with divorce and separation the best you can.  There's nothing shameful about being from a divorced family.  You are not alone because the divorce rate in the U.S. is over 50%!  Take one day at a time and forgive your parents.  This may not be easy at first.  Looking at the situation from another perspective can help you cope with divorce and separation.

The worst thing you can do is carry around the baggage of divorce. Release the baggage now; do not carry it with you into your adult life.  You will survive the divorce; it's not the end of the world.