Well known comedian Steve Harvey wrote the book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.  In fact, I recommend that teen girls read this book which can prepare you for dating now and in the future! 

Steve tells a story how he worked for the Ford Motor Company in Cleveland, Ohio.  He had a 90-day probation period.  This meant that he didn't receive benefits such as health insurance until he passed the 90-day probation time.  He tells how the company wanted to make sure that he'd do a good job before they handed him everything.  Steve takes this 90-day probation period and applies it to dating but it can also be applied to your life.  You can change your life around in 90-days if you really want to do so.  It will take work on your part but it will be worth it in the end.

90-Days to a Happier Teen

Say a prayer of gratitude before you get out of bed.  It can be anything from "thank for a good night's sleep to thank you for the roof over my head to thank you for the breath in my lungs."  Expect to have a good day.  Say something like "I expect to have a great day or I'll have a good day today."  Setup your day in a positive manner.

When you look in the mirror, before you brush your teeth and floss, tell yourself that you love you!  Look into your eyes and say "I love you" and mean it.  Loving yourself is the best gift your can give to yourself.  When you truly love yourself the world will know it.

Stop trying to be someone else -- just be you.  There's no one else in the world that's like you.  Instead of trying to be like the popular guys or girls, embrace who you are as a person.  Learn to love you for you!

Give thanks and embrace your talents.  If you're good at playing the guitar, sports, painting, drawing, science, design, math, English, dancing, writing, or whatever you talents are embrace them with gusto.  Allow no one to speak down to you about your talents.  They could be jealous and wish they had your talents.  That's their problem and not yours.  Don't give up your talents or dim your light because other people may put off by it.  You'll only hurt yourself and the world by not shining brightly.

Think about your life and if you're happy with it.  Feel the anger, pain, and other emotions you may be feeling.  Get it all out of your system -- hold nothing back.  Exercise, paint, draw, meditate, write, dance, design, or whatever will help your process your emotions.  Work through them because you'll feel better.

Stay tuned for more on 90-Days to a Happier Teen!

On the July 1, 2010 episode of Dr. Phil, a mother who's an alcoholic was on the show along with her teenage daughter.   The mother also brought her friend for support.  The daughter believed her mother's alcoholism was her fault.  Her mom was under stress and she believed that she was responsible for the stress, therefore, causing her mom to drink 15 beers or more per day.  Take note:  it wasn't the daughter's fault.  The mother was capable of making her own decisions.  No one held a gun to her head and told her she had to drink beer every day.

Dr. Phil reached out to the mom and offered her help via a rehab facility in Texas.  The catch was the mom had to leave right after to show in order to receive treatment.  There was no going back home because that would provide temptation to stay and do nothing.  The mom took the offer.

Why do teens believe alcoholism is their fault?

Speak to any psychologist and they'll tell you that children internalize everything.  This is why the teenage girl thought her mom's drinking was her fault.  She heard and listened to her mom's complaints of being stressed.  The daughter internalized it as her fault because if the mom didn't have to take care of her and the home, she wouldn't be stressed.  It gets worse -- the girl thought her mom would die from drinking and it would be her fault.  It wouldn't be her fault; it would be the mother's fault because she continued on a self-destructive path.

It's not your fault

It's not your fault if your mom or dad is an alcoholic.  Chances are they're pissed off because their life didn't turn out the way they thought it would.  They're mad at the world because people around them are receiving the breaks they feel should go to them.  Again, it's not your fault.  Your mom or dad chose to drink, whether consciously or unconsciously; it's their life.

The embarrassment of alcoholism

The girl on the Dr. Phil episode was embarrassed by her mother's drinking.  She couldn't have friends over the house.  You could hear the pain in her voice when she spoke about her mom's drinking problem.

When the mom would take her to soccer practice and games, she'd make a fool out of herself and embarrass her daughter.  Yes, sometimes the mom drove under the influence.  She eventually received a D.U.I. (driving under the influence).

Solution

Being a teenager is awkward enough.  The teen years can become unbearable when you add an alcoholic mom or dad to the mix.  You may feel alone most of the time but help is available.  Organizations such as Alateen and Al-Anon can help you understand alcoholism. 

Have compassion and forgiveness for your mom or dad.  They're doing the best they can.  Forgiving them doesn't mean that what they've done to you is all right.  It's a way to release you from the situation.  Remember, it's not your fault!

Your family means well but if you come from a dysfunctional background, they could be ruining your mind and life.  Is your family positive or negative?  What kinds of words do they say?  How do they feel about finances and money?  How supportive are they of your dreams?  Think about the words your family speaks and pay close attention to them because there could be a pattern that could be wreaking havoc on your life.

Let's face it; most parents raise their kids based on how they were raised.  It's not their fault.  A dysfunctional cycle repeats itself if no one stops it.  Your parents are just doing what they know.  You have the power to break the cycle once and for all.  Aren't you worth it?

Be careful with your words

There's some truth to the saying "be careful what you wish for."  The words you speak and think do create your life.  Are you always thinking negative thoughts like no one likes me?  Why can't I be smart like my brother?  How come she receives all the good breaks?  Negative thinking and words produces more negativity in your life.

You may not be able to help the way you speak and think because of your toxic environment.  If you're constantly bombarded with negativity it only makes sense that you'll probably be negative.  Unless, you decide today to stop listening!  Think about it, most parents complain that their kids don't listen to them.  This could work in your favor.  If mom and dad are pessimistic about finances and say stuff like, "...there's never enough, money doesn't grow on trees, you have to work hard, or life sucks," refuse to listen.  How do you know that there isn't enough?  How do you know you have to work hard?  There are many people who earn a great living, and they're not working hard!  They may love what they do and put in long hours, but the key point is they LOVE what they do -- it's not work to them.

Note:  I used to think that creating your life by the words you speak and your thoughts was a bunch of hooey, until I took a step back and evaluated my life now and in the past.  I noticed I created the same situations with different people.  This would be fine if I was writing a novel and needed different characters but this is my life.  I have no desire to go through crappy situations again.  I'd rather learn the lesson and move forward with my life.

What are you thinking?

Dr. Phil's famous for asking guests, "...what were you thinking?"  Well, what are you thinking?  Are you constantly thinking icky thoughts?  If you are, you could be creating a life that's filled with misery.  Take a look at your life right now.  How is it?  Do you have happiness and good fortune?  Do you have problems that never seem to end?  The first step is to evaluate your thoughts.  What do you think about every day?  Are they positive or negative thoughts?  Co-creating your life begins with a single thought.  It's not uncommon for you to have 60,000+thoughts per day.  That's a lot going on in your mind!

Give focus thinking a try for one week.  Think about what makes you happy.  Think about what you're grateful for in your life.  If a negative thought pops into your head say, '...thank you for sharing and let it float out of your mind."  You may be surprised at how your life begins to shift.

Remember, you get what you put out into the universe.  You may as think happy/positive thoughts that will create joy versus sucky thoughts that will create doom and gloom.  It's your decision!

You just have to love the adults in your life.  Sometimes when they open their mouths, the most negative words come out.  These words can do more damage than a punch to the stomach.  If you have people in your life that cut you down, just ignore them.

Sometimes the adults in your life don't realize how their words impact you.  Words can damage you for the rest of your life if you allow them to do so.  You have the power to delete the vile words that have been spoken over you.  Begin today so your present and future won't be tainted.

My niece's experience

My niece will be a senior in high school next year.  She's applying to colleges in Ohio and has begun to visit the colleges/universities of her choice.  I'm very supportive of her as are my mom and sister (her mom).   However, my niece's other grandma isn't that supportive.  She told my niece that she wasn't smart enough to get into the college of her dreams and questioned why my niece wanted to go to school far away.  I know the answer to the latter part of the question -- she wants to get away from certain family members.

My niece had a meltdown because her grandma, a family member, cut her and her dream down.  I immediately emailed my niece after I heard this.  Needless to say, I was absolutely livid and wanted to give the other grandma a piece of my mind.  After I calmed down, I realized that some people are still "asleep" and don't realize the power and impact of their words. 

I coached my niece and suggested she visualize herself at the college of her choice.  I gave her some affirmations to say so she could override and delete the words of the other grandma.  My niece is smart enough not to listen to this side of the family, but I wanted to ensure that she cleared out this negativity.

You are smart enough

If you have a strong desire to study a certain field or begin your own business, allow no one, not even family members to stop you.  When they say stuff like, "...you're not smart enough, you won't succeed, you'll never reach your goals, or there's no way you can do it," look at them and say, "....thank you for sharing."  Walk or run away from these people as fast as you can.  It's unfortunate, but you may have to limit the amount of time you spend with these people until you feel strong enough to be around them.

You create your life

What you can believe you can achieve is what Napoleon Hill said.  You have the power to live the life you want to now and in the future.  Limit the amount of time you spend around negative people.  In fact, it would be best if you stay away from these people all together.  Sometimes it's not easy to do because they're usually family members.  You can always excuse yourself and go to the bathroom or for a walk.  Clear you mind and picture yourself surrounded by a white light of protection.  Take a deep breath and realize that your family members are doing the best they can -- they're just asleep in their lives.

The next time someone tries to squash your dreams just ignore them.  Send them lots of love because they don't know what they're doing.  It's your life and you can be, do, and have anything you want.  You'll be required to take "inspired action."  When you do you'll create a beautiful life for you and that's what matters most!

I don't know what it's like to be adopted, but I have family members that are adopted.  I was told that my cousins were my cousins and that was it.  I didn't find out until I was older that some of my cousins were adopted.  It was no big deal -- they were my cousins and part of the family.  However, some family members were not as open and accepting.  Whatever!  It doesn't matter if you're blood or not -- family is family.

Some teens are adopted and find out from the moment they're brought home.  Unfortunately, some parents keep the adoption a secret.  This can backfire because children grow up and start asking questions, especially in their teens.  If this has happened to you, forgive your parents because they probably thought they made the right decision.  They were trying to protect you.  They kept your adoption a secret out of love.  It may not make sense, but when you're a parent you'll understand.

Teens if you're adopted you may not want to find your birth parents.  Chances are if you have a family then your already have connections, family dynamics, relations, and drama!  Do you really want to open up a can of worms that could potentially bring you more drama?

You may want to find your birth parents for various reasons such as medical history, genealogy project, curiosity, and closure.  Before you decide to find your birth parents discuss it with your adoptive parents because it will affect them as well.  Make sure all feelings are taken into consideration.  If you feel it's what you want to do then ask your adoptive parents to help you.

Some teens feel ashamed that they're adopted.  Abandonment issues will eat you alive if you let them.  This is why most teens want to find their birth parents so they can find out the reason why they were given up.  Sometimes birth mothers are 16 years-old or younger and can't care for their babies.  Of course, woman in their 20s decide to give up their child because they're just beginning their life and they're not ready for the responsibility of a child.  Whatever the reason, know that it was not your fault and you did nothing wrong.  You are a blessing that your family was waiting for.  Remember, many women are unable to have children and would do and pay anything to be able to have one!

If you're adopted and struggle with it, seek counseling to help you heal.  Remember that your parents chose you to be part of their family.  Out of many children waiting to be adopted, they chose you.  Be grateful because many children long to be part of a family.  Being adopted doesn't define you and neither does whose blood is running through your veins.  Family is family no matter if you're biological or not.

Links

National Adoption Information Clearinghouse
Adoption and Adolescence
Adoption Clubhouse

Each year many teens run away from home.  They live on the streets and up fending for themselves.  Some of them form groups and live together in abandoned buildings or go to shelters.  Unfortunately, the streets are not a safe place to be.  You could wind up losing your life or become involved in teen prostitution.  Think about that before you pack your bags and head out on your own.

Teens in abusive environments usually run away from home.  Their parents or guardians physically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually abuse them.  Some parents are addicted and don't take care of their teens.  This is why teens take to the streets because they believe it will be a better alternative to living in an unstable home environment.

Consequences of running away

What will you do for money?  Teens turn to drugs and prostitution in order to survive. In order to survive teens turn to pimps and drug dealers because they believe these people will protect them.  This is not true.  Drug dealers and pimps and are out for number one and to make money -- that's the bottom line.

Teens that run away are more likely to be infected by the age of 21 with HIV or other diseases.  You could also lose your life.  You don't know who you'll meet when you're on the streets.  Unfortunately, some people who live on the street have mental problems.  You could run into some trouble with homeless people who may be mentally unstable.  These people don't receive medical treatment and won't know or understand what they're doing to you.

Alternatives to running away

Running away won't solve your problems.  If you have trouble at home, tell a guidance counselor, confidant, friends, teachers, or anyone you trust.  There is help for you.  It's up to you to ask for it and trust that everything will work out in your favor.

It's true that all group homes are not created equally.  However, there are some group homes that are in your area that offer love, support, and kindness.  There are people who really do care about you and your well being. 

Don't give up

Even if you think your home life is unbearable, don't take to the streets.  At the end of this post are links to organizations that can help you.  Contact them first before you run away.  You don't know what you'll face on the streets; it could be 20 times worse than your current situation.  Have the courage to pick up the phone to change your life.  Have faith that it will be okay.

Links

Covenant House
National Center for Missing and Exploited Children
Child Find of America, Inc.
Teen Runaway -- Positive Alternatives
National Runaway Switchboard

Teens, some of you begin dating when you're 14 years-old.  Some of you may start dating when you're 16 years-old.  Whenever you begin to date, make sure you're responsible.  This means no drinking and driving and practicing safe sex if you're sexually active.

Dating can be thrilling and exciting; it can always be scary.  When you date, just have fun.  Avoid getting caught up in the whole romance of it and make it something that you're not ready for.  Even adults (especially women) fall into the trap of building up a date.  Before you know it, you're walking down the aisle, and having two kids!  Just date...be in the present moment and enjoy being a teen.

If you think you're sexually active, make sure you're prepared.  Read my blog "Teens Learn about Birth Control" to learn about the different forms of birth control.  It's imperative that you protect yourself by using a condom because you can contract STDs or STIs.

Dating tips

1.  Make sure you're ready to date.
2.  Have fun and avoid being "all serious" about dating -- you're a teen!
3.  Avoid allowing dating to interfere with your school work or extracurricular activities.
4.  Avoid giving up your identity for the sake of your boyfriend/girlfriend.
5.  If you breakup, know that it's not the end of the world, you'll find someone else.
6.  Protect yourself if you're sexually active.
7.  Enjoy being a teen.  If you don't date as a teen, you'll have plenty of opportunities when you're an adult.  Chances are you'll be more emotionally mature and ready anyway.

Dating can be exciting, but make sure it doesn't take over your life.  Your grades are important if you have a desire to go to college or university.  If your grades begin a downward slide, you may want to take a break from dating.

When you date, make sure you retain who you are.  Girls have a tendency more than boys to lose themselves in the dating world.  They drop their friends, extracurricular activities, hobbies, and grades when they get a boyfriend.  Avoid doing this because you'll fall into a pattern that you could carry into your adult life.  Yes, it's fun to have a boyfriend, but don't lose your identity because of it.  Be who you are and take time for yourself.  There's no reason to spend every waking moment (even in school) with your boyfriend.  Guys this goes for you as well.  Avoid getting wrapped up in a girl because chances are they will not be the "one."

Teens when you date just remember that you're a teen.  You'll have plenty of dating time when you reach adulthood.  If you happen to experience a break up, it may suck at first, but you'll survive.  Just think of it as practice.  Mourn the breakup but avoid going overboard about it.  You're young; you'll bounce back in no time and may find someone better.  Take your time and don't be in a hurry to grow up!

When you lose a parent your world can turn upside down in an instant.  Being a teenager isn't easy and you need your parents for guidance.  When one or both of them die, you may feel that a hole has been cut out of your heart.  You may not know how to deal with the death and turn to self-destructive and self-sabotaging behaviors.  Avoid this at all cost.  Grieve for your parents, but don't throw your life away.  Remember that one day you'll see them again.

It's difficult when you lose a parent as a teen.  I didn't experience the death of my father until 2004 when I was 31, but I had friends that lost parents when they were teens.  One of my friends in my elementary school lost her mom in the 8th grade.  A few months later, her dad died.  What do you say besides "I'm sorry?"  Luckily, she had an older brother to lean on for support along with other family members.

Losing your mom or dad can be one of the worst experiences of your life, especially for girls.  They go to their mom for personal issues more than they do their dad.  What do you do if you're a teen girl and your mom dies?  Hopefully, you have female siblings or role models in your life that you are comfortable with and can open up about certain topics like sex, dating, fashion, etc...that you may not be comfortable speaking with your dad.  This goes for boys as well.  You may not be comfortable speaking to your mom about certain topics.  Find male role models that can fill that space.

Tips to coping with the death of a parent

1.  Join a support group for teens.
2.  Talk to your sibling(s), friends, living parent, family members, guidance counselor, therapist, priest, Rabbi, minister, spiritual counselor, or whomever you trust.
3.  Let all of your emotions out.  Forgot about being strong and holding it in because you'll do more damage to your body and psyche than you know!  Let it all out and grieve.
4.  Visit your parent's grave if that helps you stay connected.
5.  Celebrate your parent's death by remembering them every day, on their birthday, and during the holidays.
6.  Volunteer at your parent's favorite organization.
7.  Raise money if your mom or dad has died from a disease.
8.  Know that you'll always have your mom and dad with you.

Avoid punishing yourself for your parent's death.  Some teens believe it's their fault when their mom or dad dies.  They begin to feel guilty because they didn't listen, were difficult, or didn't try harder in school.  It's not your fault if your mom or dad became sick.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people -- that's the way it is.

If you lost or just lost your mom or dad, get help today.  Avoid bottling up your emotions because you'll explode like a pressure cooker.  Talk to people and let them help you.  Self-sabotaging yourself with drugs, alcohol, and other dangerous behavior is not the answer.  If you're pissed off and angry, go 10 rounds in the gym or take up martial arts.  Get your emotions out in a healthy way.  Life will get better with time.  It's a clichéd saying, but it's true.  Give yourself time to grieve and be gentle as you go through the process.  Your world just came crashing down -- it's not like you'll be all right overnight.  Take care of yourself  and life will slowly get back to normal.

Links

Coping with Grief and Loss:  Support for Grieving
eHealth
Helping Teenagers Cope with Death

Being a teenager can be challenging.  One challenge is making friends.  Some teens have an easy time making friends while other struggle to make one friend.  The key is to make the "right" friends.  Avoid getting caught up in the "popularity" contests of schools because it's not all what it's cracked up to be.  Remember, all that glitters is not gold!

Many teens long to be part of the popular clicks in school.  Why?  Sometimes they're not the nicest teens in school.  What would make you want to be part of a group of people who may cause others pain?  In fact, that's a sign of weakness and insecurity.  Are you weak or insecure?  Think about that before you do whatever it takes to become part of the popular crowd.

Make friends that are right for you.  Find other teens that you share common interests with and eat lunch together and hang out after school.  These friendships are real and authentic.  Cultivating these types of friendships will serve you now and in the future.

Become friends with other teens who understand the meaning of friendship.  Being a good friend means you'll be there through the good and bad times.  You won't bale if you hit a rough patch.  These are friends who'll have your back no matter what.

A true friend will not ask you to do something illegal or something your uncomfortable doing.  Yes, all teens face peer pressure at some point in time, but a true friend will not ask you to put yourself in harm's way just to have a good time. 

Forget about outer appearances.  A person may look nice on the outside but the inside is another story.  Did you know that the most beautiful people in the world can have the ugliest personalities?  It's true.  You may believe that a teen is good and kind because he/ she is handsome or pretty, but he/she could have a personality that can send you running for your life.  Ouch!  Do you really want to hang around another teen that isn't that great of a person?  Your life could become a living hell!  Is that what you want?

Teens make friends that are right for you.  Surround yourself with like-minded teens and those who are positive.  Being around other teens that are known as "Debbie Downers or Negative Nick's" can drain your energy.  Choose your friends wisely!

 Teens, how many of you are ready for the responsibility of having a baby?  In my opinion, no teen is ready to be a parent.  In fact, some adults are not ready to be parents.  Learning about birth control now can prepare you when you're mature enough to enter into an intimate relationship.  Hopefully, some teens will put off having sex.  If you're thinking about having sex or are sexually active, you'll want to read this post.

Some teens are raised in strict families where birth control is prohibited or frowned upon.  Teens, you have the right to decide what is best for you.  If you want to go on birth control or know more about it, visit your local Planned Parenthood to pickup information about birth control.

Note:  Some diseases such as HPV, HSV1 and 2, and crabs are transmitted through the skin contact.

Types of birth control

1.  Oral.  The pill is the most popular choice of birth control.  You take a pill for 21 days.  The pill is available in a 21-day or 28-day pack.  The last seven pills in a 28-day pack are called reminder pills.  They'll keep you on schedule so you don't forget to take your pill.  The pill costs $15 - $50 per month.  Some insurance companies are starting to cover the pill. 

2.  Condom.  No matter what type of birth control you use, always, ALWAYS use a condom because they can prevent STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) and STIs (sexually transmitted infections).  Having a STD or STI is not fun and it costs MONEY because you'll have to be on prescriptive drugs -- sometimes for life!

3.  Diaphragm.  This is inserted into the vagina and it covers the cervix.  You must use a spermicide cream or jelly with the diaphragm; otherwise it will not be effective in preventing pregnancy.  It costs $15 - $75.

4.  Female condom.  It's inserted into the vagina and can prevent STIs.  It costs about $4 ad is safe and effective to use.

5.  Sponge.  A plastic foam sponge that contains spermicide is placed in the vagina.  It covers the cervix to prevent pregnancy.  It costs $9 - $15.

6.  Cervical Cap.  It's a silicone cap that's placed in the vagina to prevent pregnancy and costs $60 - $75.

7.  Abstinence.  The best way not to get pregnant or catch a STD or STI is to abstain from having sex when you're a teen.  Of course, all bets are off when you reach adulthood.  However, at least you'll be prepared when you engage in sexual activity.

As you can tell, having sex is a responsibility.  Girls choose to use the pill, sponge, condoms, and or some other contraceptive.  Guys buy condoms at  the store.  Having sex is a responsibility that you may not be prepared for.  Are you emotionally ready to have sex?  Are you economically ready to have sex?  You may want to think about these questions before you have sex!