Well known comedian Steve Harvey wrote the book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.  In fact, I recommend that teen girls read this book which can prepare you for dating now and in the future! 

Steve tells a story how he worked for the Ford Motor Company in Cleveland, Ohio.  He had a 90-day probation period.  This meant that he didn't receive benefits such as health insurance until he passed the 90-day probation time.  He tells how the company wanted to make sure that he'd do a good job before they handed him everything.  Steve takes this 90-day probation period and applies it to dating but it can also be applied to your life.  You can change your life around in 90-days if you really want to do so.  It will take work on your part but it will be worth it in the end.

90-Days to a Happier Teen

Say a prayer of gratitude before you get out of bed.  It can be anything from "thank for a good night's sleep to thank you for the roof over my head to thank you for the breath in my lungs."  Expect to have a good day.  Say something like "I expect to have a great day or I'll have a good day today."  Setup your day in a positive manner.

When you look in the mirror, before you brush your teeth and floss, tell yourself that you love you!  Look into your eyes and say "I love you" and mean it.  Loving yourself is the best gift your can give to yourself.  When you truly love yourself the world will know it.

Stop trying to be someone else -- just be you.  There's no one else in the world that's like you.  Instead of trying to be like the popular guys or girls, embrace who you are as a person.  Learn to love you for you!

Give thanks and embrace your talents.  If you're good at playing the guitar, sports, painting, drawing, science, design, math, English, dancing, writing, or whatever you talents are embrace them with gusto.  Allow no one to speak down to you about your talents.  They could be jealous and wish they had your talents.  That's their problem and not yours.  Don't give up your talents or dim your light because other people may put off by it.  You'll only hurt yourself and the world by not shining brightly.

Think about your life and if you're happy with it.  Feel the anger, pain, and other emotions you may be feeling.  Get it all out of your system -- hold nothing back.  Exercise, paint, draw, meditate, write, dance, design, or whatever will help your process your emotions.  Work through them because you'll feel better.

Stay tuned for more on 90-Days to a Happier Teen!

On the July 1, 2010 episode of Dr. Phil, a mother who's an alcoholic was on the show along with her teenage daughter.   The mother also brought her friend for support.  The daughter believed her mother's alcoholism was her fault.  Her mom was under stress and she believed that she was responsible for the stress, therefore, causing her mom to drink 15 beers or more per day.  Take note:  it wasn't the daughter's fault.  The mother was capable of making her own decisions.  No one held a gun to her head and told her she had to drink beer every day.

Dr. Phil reached out to the mom and offered her help via a rehab facility in Texas.  The catch was the mom had to leave right after to show in order to receive treatment.  There was no going back home because that would provide temptation to stay and do nothing.  The mom took the offer.

Why do teens believe alcoholism is their fault?

Speak to any psychologist and they'll tell you that children internalize everything.  This is why the teenage girl thought her mom's drinking was her fault.  She heard and listened to her mom's complaints of being stressed.  The daughter internalized it as her fault because if the mom didn't have to take care of her and the home, she wouldn't be stressed.  It gets worse -- the girl thought her mom would die from drinking and it would be her fault.  It wouldn't be her fault; it would be the mother's fault because she continued on a self-destructive path.

It's not your fault

It's not your fault if your mom or dad is an alcoholic.  Chances are they're pissed off because their life didn't turn out the way they thought it would.  They're mad at the world because people around them are receiving the breaks they feel should go to them.  Again, it's not your fault.  Your mom or dad chose to drink, whether consciously or unconsciously; it's their life.

The embarrassment of alcoholism

The girl on the Dr. Phil episode was embarrassed by her mother's drinking.  She couldn't have friends over the house.  You could hear the pain in her voice when she spoke about her mom's drinking problem.

When the mom would take her to soccer practice and games, she'd make a fool out of herself and embarrass her daughter.  Yes, sometimes the mom drove under the influence.  She eventually received a D.U.I. (driving under the influence).

Solution

Being a teenager is awkward enough.  The teen years can become unbearable when you add an alcoholic mom or dad to the mix.  You may feel alone most of the time but help is available.  Organizations such as Alateen and Al-Anon can help you understand alcoholism. 

Have compassion and forgiveness for your mom or dad.  They're doing the best they can.  Forgiving them doesn't mean that what they've done to you is all right.  It's a way to release you from the situation.  Remember, it's not your fault!

You may not come from a cohesive, loving, gets along every day family but this doesn't mean you can't control your actions.  By now you understand right from wrong.  If you're acting out to get attention, it won't work.  It usually has the opposite affect such as punishment by your parents or worse, being sent to JV or detention home.

Your hormones are raging and you may be pissed off at the world.  Most teens usually go through some sort of teen angst.  Ask your parents about their teenage years.  It could be a way to open up the lines of communication if they've been shut.

It's best to deal with any issues you have today.  Waiting until you become an adult isn't the best solution.  How does carrying emotional baggage around with you for the rest of your life sound to you?  It's like a life sentence!  Many adults who experienced rough teenage years don't get to the root of their issues.  They carry around baggage with them that can go back 20 or more years.  Ouch!  Talk about a heavy load to carry from year-to-year.  This doesn't have to be your fate.

If you're doing stuff that's not good for you or society, you may want to take a step back and ask yourself "why?"  What are you getting out of it?  Who are you making wrong?  Who are you making right?  What's the point of it?  Inner reflection can be good for the soul.

You can't keep blaming your parents.  They're doing the best they can or did they best they could.  It's up to you to change your life for the better.  No one can make you do it.  You have the power to change.  Forget about worrying about your "friends" will say.  True friends wouldn't recommend that you do stuff that puts your life in jeopardy.

Taking responsibility for your actions can be liberating.  It's the first step to cleaning up your act.  It's up to you to realize you deserve the best in life.  Maybe you need to a life coach and or counselor.  Find someone who's willing to listen.  Get it all out of your system and ask help.  You'll be glad you did and you are worth it!

Each year many teens run away from home.  They live on the streets and up fending for themselves.  Some of them form groups and live together in abandoned buildings or go to shelters.  Unfortunately, the streets are not a safe place to be.  You could wind up losing your life or become involved in teen prostitution.  Think about that before you pack your bags and head out on your own.

Teens in abusive environments usually run away from home.  Their parents or guardians physically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually abuse them.  Some parents are addicted and don't take care of their teens.  This is why teens take to the streets because they believe it will be a better alternative to living in an unstable home environment.

Consequences of running away

What will you do for money?  Teens turn to drugs and prostitution in order to survive. In order to survive teens turn to pimps and drug dealers because they believe these people will protect them.  This is not true.  Drug dealers and pimps and are out for number one and to make money -- that's the bottom line.

Teens that run away are more likely to be infected by the age of 21 with HIV or other diseases.  You could also lose your life.  You don't know who you'll meet when you're on the streets.  Unfortunately, some people who live on the street have mental problems.  You could run into some trouble with homeless people who may be mentally unstable.  These people don't receive medical treatment and won't know or understand what they're doing to you.

Alternatives to running away

Running away won't solve your problems.  If you have trouble at home, tell a guidance counselor, confidant, friends, teachers, or anyone you trust.  There is help for you.  It's up to you to ask for it and trust that everything will work out in your favor.

It's true that all group homes are not created equally.  However, there are some group homes that are in your area that offer love, support, and kindness.  There are people who really do care about you and your well being. 

Don't give up

Even if you think your home life is unbearable, don't take to the streets.  At the end of this post are links to organizations that can help you.  Contact them first before you run away.  You don't know what you'll face on the streets; it could be 20 times worse than your current situation.  Have the courage to pick up the phone to change your life.  Have faith that it will be okay.

Links

Covenant House
National Center for Missing and Exploited Children
Child Find of America, Inc.
Teen Runaway -- Positive Alternatives
National Runaway Switchboard

When you lose a parent your world can turn upside down in an instant.  Being a teenager isn't easy and you need your parents for guidance.  When one or both of them die, you may feel that a hole has been cut out of your heart.  You may not know how to deal with the death and turn to self-destructive and self-sabotaging behaviors.  Avoid this at all cost.  Grieve for your parents, but don't throw your life away.  Remember that one day you'll see them again.

It's difficult when you lose a parent as a teen.  I didn't experience the death of my father until 2004 when I was 31, but I had friends that lost parents when they were teens.  One of my friends in my elementary school lost her mom in the 8th grade.  A few months later, her dad died.  What do you say besides "I'm sorry?"  Luckily, she had an older brother to lean on for support along with other family members.

Losing your mom or dad can be one of the worst experiences of your life, especially for girls.  They go to their mom for personal issues more than they do their dad.  What do you do if you're a teen girl and your mom dies?  Hopefully, you have female siblings or role models in your life that you are comfortable with and can open up about certain topics like sex, dating, fashion, etc...that you may not be comfortable speaking with your dad.  This goes for boys as well.  You may not be comfortable speaking to your mom about certain topics.  Find male role models that can fill that space.

Tips to coping with the death of a parent

1.  Join a support group for teens.
2.  Talk to your sibling(s), friends, living parent, family members, guidance counselor, therapist, priest, Rabbi, minister, spiritual counselor, or whomever you trust.
3.  Let all of your emotions out.  Forgot about being strong and holding it in because you'll do more damage to your body and psyche than you know!  Let it all out and grieve.
4.  Visit your parent's grave if that helps you stay connected.
5.  Celebrate your parent's death by remembering them every day, on their birthday, and during the holidays.
6.  Volunteer at your parent's favorite organization.
7.  Raise money if your mom or dad has died from a disease.
8.  Know that you'll always have your mom and dad with you.

Avoid punishing yourself for your parent's death.  Some teens believe it's their fault when their mom or dad dies.  They begin to feel guilty because they didn't listen, were difficult, or didn't try harder in school.  It's not your fault if your mom or dad became sick.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people -- that's the way it is.

If you lost or just lost your mom or dad, get help today.  Avoid bottling up your emotions because you'll explode like a pressure cooker.  Talk to people and let them help you.  Self-sabotaging yourself with drugs, alcohol, and other dangerous behavior is not the answer.  If you're pissed off and angry, go 10 rounds in the gym or take up martial arts.  Get your emotions out in a healthy way.  Life will get better with time.  It's a clichéd saying, but it's true.  Give yourself time to grieve and be gentle as you go through the process.  Your world just came crashing down -- it's not like you'll be all right overnight.  Take care of yourself  and life will slowly get back to normal.

Links

Coping with Grief and Loss:  Support for Grieving
eHealth
Helping Teenagers Cope with Death

Being a teenager can be challenging.  One challenge is making friends.  Some teens have an easy time making friends while other struggle to make one friend.  The key is to make the "right" friends.  Avoid getting caught up in the "popularity" contests of schools because it's not all what it's cracked up to be.  Remember, all that glitters is not gold!

Many teens long to be part of the popular clicks in school.  Why?  Sometimes they're not the nicest teens in school.  What would make you want to be part of a group of people who may cause others pain?  In fact, that's a sign of weakness and insecurity.  Are you weak or insecure?  Think about that before you do whatever it takes to become part of the popular crowd.

Make friends that are right for you.  Find other teens that you share common interests with and eat lunch together and hang out after school.  These friendships are real and authentic.  Cultivating these types of friendships will serve you now and in the future.

Become friends with other teens who understand the meaning of friendship.  Being a good friend means you'll be there through the good and bad times.  You won't bale if you hit a rough patch.  These are friends who'll have your back no matter what.

A true friend will not ask you to do something illegal or something your uncomfortable doing.  Yes, all teens face peer pressure at some point in time, but a true friend will not ask you to put yourself in harm's way just to have a good time. 

Forget about outer appearances.  A person may look nice on the outside but the inside is another story.  Did you know that the most beautiful people in the world can have the ugliest personalities?  It's true.  You may believe that a teen is good and kind because he/ she is handsome or pretty, but he/she could have a personality that can send you running for your life.  Ouch!  Do you really want to hang around another teen that isn't that great of a person?  Your life could become a living hell!  Is that what you want?

Teens make friends that are right for you.  Surround yourself with like-minded teens and those who are positive.  Being around other teens that are known as "Debbie Downers or Negative Nick's" can drain your energy.  Choose your friends wisely!

This is Part Two of the blog "Teens Stay Away from Gangs."  It will address why teens join gangs and how to avoid them. 

Being in a gang is not what it's cracked up to be.  Think about it.  You take orders from someone else.  Do you really want to give your power away to someone?  Who has the right to tell you what to do?  It's interesting that teens join gangs because most teens can't stand it when their parents tell them what to do.  But yet, teens join gangs where the leader and second in commands will tell you what to do.  Go figure!

Why join a gang?

Many teens join gangs because they want a sense of belonging.  Parents are usually self-absorbed or into drugs and alcohol.  Teens don't have good role models anyone that gives a damn about them.  Gangs come across as "family" who will do whatever it takes to protect their own.  And, they mean anything.  They have no problem taking out rival gang members.  Depending on which state you live in, you could face 20 to life for murder.  Does that sound good if you're 16 years-old?  Think about that before you join a gang.  You'll be putting your life on the line.

How to avoid gangs

Don't get caught up in school fights.  Go to the local youth center, church program, or library after school.  Take part in extracurricular activities that keep you at school under the watchful eye of teachers and coaches.  Many gang members are just looking for a sense of belonging.  Perhaps if they had something to do after school, they wouldn't be in gangs.

It sucks if you have to be on your own after school, I get it.  I was a "latch-key" kid which means mom and dad were not home when I got home.  I came home to empty house and the dog.  My parents were working to keep a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and clothes on my back.  I was very fortunate that my parents weren't strung out on drugs.  However, my father had a drinking problem, but I dealt with that they best I could.  I made the decision not to get into trouble because I knew the consequences I would face if I did.  And, I'm not talking about gang related consequences.  My mom and dad would have ripped me a new one if I got into trouble!  Plus, going to a juvenile detention center wasn't appealing to me.

Teens stay away from gangs.  Find something to do after school.  Here's a tip:  do your homework and read!  Go to the local YMCA/YWCA, youth center, or library.  Get involved at school and join extracurricular activities if you can.  Seek out adults who'll be there for you when your parents are at work or are not around to care for you.   Remember you have a choice.  You can either make something of yourself or you can go down a path that can lead you to an early grave or life in prison.  The choice is yours.  Make sure you think about that before you decide to join a gang.

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Some teens think that being apart of a gang is cool.  Others belong to gangs because they give them a sense of family and belonging.  The fact is that gangs can ruin your life because all of the trouble you'll get into by being with them.  You just don't join a gang.  You must be initiated into it and that can lead you down a path you may not want to walk.

European-American gangs date back to the 1780s.  Street gangs in the U.S. can be traced back to the 1800s.  Gangs are not new.  They gained momentum in the U.S. in the late 1960s.  The Vietnam War was raging and poverty was growing in America.  Poor socio-economic conditions across the U.S. led to the formation of gangs and they've been going strong since that time.  It's been reported that they are 500,000 gang members in the U.S.  That's the size of a large city!

Initiation into a gang

To be initiated into a gang you'll either are "jumped" which means you fight the most powerful gang members for 30 seconds.  Another initiation tactic is to get "walked in" which means you have a friendship with the leader of the gang.  You could be "trained into" a gang.  This is when you have sex with all of the guy or girl gangsters.  If you do something worthy like steal something or kill a member of a rival gang then you can become apart of the gang.  It's amazing how well organized gangs are.  They have all of these rituals and initiation that it's like becoming part of a secret society!

Signs, symbols and colors

Gangs usually have their own signs, symbols, and colors.  In most urban areas you can see gang symbols on city walls.  Graffiti or tagging is usually the handy work of gangs.  Skateboards also tag some of the work could be done by them as well.

1.  Colors.
2.  Hand signs.
3.  Clothing such as shoes, baggy pants, bandannas, football team jackets (right color), and other accessories can be found in gangs.
4.  Tattoos are popular.
5.  Pagers.
6.  Weapons such as guns, knives, and chains.

If you're from a rival gang and wear another gang's colors that could mean trouble for you.  Many teens wind up in the hospital or morgue because they wore the wrong color or they're trying to intimidate rival gangs.  This is not a smart move.

This concludes Part 1 of "Teens Stay Away from Gangs."  Part 2 will address why teens join gangs and how they can avoid them.  If you're approached to join a gang, just say no!  Stay out of fights in school, keep your focus on school, and do the best you can.  You will make it if you really desire to do so!

Believe it or not I, Rebecca, was once a shy teen.  It seems like only yesterday that I would try to hide behind my desk in school hoping the teacher wouldn't call on me.  That didn't work.  The teacher would call on me.  I started opening up in the 8th grade.  In fact, my 8th grade teacher told me to go back into my shell because I was becoming very outspoken.  Her words could have put me back into my shell.  Being a stubborn and bullheaded teen, I did the opposite.  I came out of my shell even more!  Once I got to high school there was no looking back.

Many teens that are shy have low self-esteem and self-confidence.  They usually have a deep fear of not being good enough.  You are good enough.  Loving yourself is the first step to overcoming your shyness.  Look in the mirror every day and say, "...I am beautiful and everybody loves or I love you."  Saying "I love you" to yourself may seem weird or be difficult at first, but in time it will become natural. 

Some teens have trouble voicing their opinion.   You have every right to speak your opinion.  Napoleon Hill said, "...opinions are the cheapest commodities."  Everyone has opinions and they are not afraid to share them.  Try voicing your opinions with family and friends.  This way you'll be in a safe environment and will not feel overwhelmed.  You'll also gain confidence and improve your self-esteem.

Tips to overcoming shyness

1.  Smile at people.
2.  Look in the mirror each day and tell yourself that you love you.
3.  Become friends with at least two people whom you share similar interests.
4.  Join groups that interest you.
5.  Begin to voice your opinion with people whom you trust.
6.  Volunteer for your favorite charity -- you may have to be 16 years old to do this one.
7.  Get a pen pal -- someone you write to who lives in another country.  Ask your parents first before you do this.

Making friends can be difficult if you're a shy teen.  You may have a fear of rejection which is why you may not have friends.  Find people who have similar interests.  If you like chess, join the chess club.  If you like theater, join the drama club.  If you like cheering for sports teams, try out for the cheerleading team.  The last one may be daunting but do it anyway.  Feel the fear and step into it.  This is the only way you'll overcome your shyness.  You must DO something about it.

Some teens use shyness as a protective barrier.  Perhaps they've been hurt and feel they can't trust people.  They'll stick to themselves and stay in their shell just like a turtle.  When turtles feel threatened, they pull their heads into their hard shell and remain still so they can't be hurt.  Being like a turtle all of the time is not healthy.  Come out of your shell and be part of the world.  Yes, you may get hurt, but that's life.  Deal with it and move forward with your life.  It will get better.

Teens with a little work and perseverance, you can overcome your shyness.  It's a choice.  You can choose to be shy or not.  Life is meant to be fun!  It would be ashame if you spent the rest of your life being shy.  People will not get to see your talents, hear your brilliant ideas, and get to know the real you.  Take baby steps to break out of your shell today and tomorrow you can begin to live your life to the fullest!

Cliques are nothing new.  No matter if you're in elementary, junior, or high school, you'll find cliques.  What is a clique?  A clique "is an exclusive group of people who share interests, views, purposes, patterns of behavior, or ethnicity.  Membership in a clique is often, but not necessarily, exclusive, and qualifications for membership may be social or essential to the nature of the clique" (retrieved from Wikipedia on March 9, 2010).

Sometimes cliques can make you feel like crap.  That's just how it is.  You may think that something's wrong with you if you're not part of a clique.  There's nothing wrong with you.  Besides, would you really want to be part of a group that excludes people?  How much fun is that?  What if the teens in the clique are rude or mean to their fellow peers?  How bad do you want that reputation?  Being part of a clique is not what it's cracked up to be.

Most cliques thing they're so important that they can't be bothered with certain people.  These teens need to get over themselves.  When you apply for a job, the hiring manager will not care if you were part of a clique in high school. 

How to handle cliques

1.  Ignore them.  They may dress in clothes from Abercrombie and Fitch, Jimmy Choo, The Buckle, or whatever store is popular.  Who cares!  The clothes are made in other countries for dollars.  They're shipped to the U.S. and slapped with a significant markup.  Jeans with a price tag of $250 jeans were probably made for $2.00 in another country.  That's a brief "economics" lesson for you!  Remember that the next time you go shopping or you overhear someone bragging about their new pair of $250 jeans!

2.  Stand your ground.  Cliques sometimes like to intimidate their fellow teens.  Don't think about it or give it attention.  Stand up for yourself when it's warranted, but consider the source when someone harasses you.  Most people who bully or harass others are insecure.

3.  Go with the flow.  Cliques are nothing new.  If you really want to be part of a clique, ask yourself "why" you want to be part of the group.  What's so great about them?  What do you admire about them?  You may change your mind after you answer these and other questions.

4.  Don't get down on yourself if you're not accepted into a clique.  Being in a clique may seem like a big deal right now, but when you graduate you'll get over it.  You probably won't see these people again, don't fret because the "popular" teens didn't allow you in their clique.

Cliques will come and go.  The popular group today will not be the popular group tomorrow.  If you have true friends, be grateful for them.  Who cares that you're not part of the so called "cool" group.   Just be you because there is no one like you. 

Teens who are desperate to be part of the popular group will most likely continue looking outside of themselves for happiness.  Everything you need is inside of you.  There's nothing outside of you that will make you happy or fill a void.  You must figure out why it's important to be part of a clique.  There's something inside of you that's lacking.  Once you figure out what it is, you will not have the desire to be part of the "in group" at school.  What a relief that will be!