I read an article about a dad vetoing the home schooling of his daughter.  The dad believes that home schooling is isolating and won't help his daughter develop social skills.  The mom wants to continue home schooling her daughter but is imposing 'religious' views on her daughter and this isn't sitting well with her ex-husband.  Click here to read the article.

Divorce isn't easy and most of the time, children are put in the middle.  When it comes to schooling, do what's best for your children.  If you want to continue with home schooling, make sure your kids are enrolled in group activities.  This way they can develop and grow their social skills.  If you want your children to attend public school, schedule time to teach them additional material.  They may not like it but it could be good for them, and you'll be able to teach them what you want to teach them.

Unfortunately, kids are put in the middle when parents divorce.  If they're shuffled from home-to-home, they can become exhausted and frustrated from it.  Do what's best for your kids and put your differences aside for a moment.  Step into your kids' shoes and think about how they must feel.  It may not be easy for them not to have mom and dad together.  Take the feelings of your kids into consideration before you make a drastic move.

Sometimes a parent will pit their children against the other parent.  Please don't do this.  It's not fair to your kids.  They didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't have to suffer because your marriage ended.  Resolve your differences -- leave the kids out of it.  Resolve any 'inner' issues you have before you get into another relationship.  If you don't, you're more than likely to repeat the marriage that just ended.  You don't want to go through that again.  More importantly, your kids don't want to go through it.

It happened again, I was channel surfing and landed on the Dr. Phil show.  The program was about cheaters, specifically teens who cheat in school.  It was revealed that 64% of teens cheated last year; 36% of teens didn’t cheat.  They feel pressure from peers, parents, teachers, and professors.  There is indifference from schools because they have to meet federal and state requirements.  And it wouldn’t look good if the school receives a bad rating.

It doesn’t help when moms and dads admit they cheated in high school.  The consensus among teens is that it’s okay to cheat.  In fact, 80% of the who’s who among college students said they cheated. 

Where’s the value system?  Why isn’t it developed?  How would it look if your teen is caught cheating?  What would be the punishment?  These are some questions parents may want to ask themselves.

Insight:  My nephew’s friend strives to make A’s in school to please his parents because if he doesn't, they'll beat him and yell and scream.  I don’t know if this is true because I never met the kid and haven’t had a chance to question him.  I know children don’t lie, and I don’t think my nephew would lie.

One teen girl who was on the show said she feels pressure from parents and professors.  She said that her mom and sister were both valedictorians and she feels she must live up to this high expectation.  This girl is under an extreme amount of pressure.  By the way, the teen girl’ mom and sister weren’t on the show.

Dr. Phil made a couple of good points.  First, he and his wife never told their sons they would be in trouble if they didn’t get straight A’s in school.  He wanted his two boys to have friends and fun, develop a personality, and travel.  He wanted them to make an “A” in life.  If they made B’s that was fine for him as long as they tried their best.  Second, he said teens need to moderate the amount of pressure they put on themselves to get all A’s in school.  Third, Dr. Phil said, “you’re regurgitating material, memorizing facts and figures, and giving your power away in an unreasonable way.”  Finally, according to Dr. Phil, “cheating doesn’t make your smarter – it gives you a grade you didn’t earn.”

Parents, let your teens know they can make it through school without cheating.  They sacrifice fun and sleep to make all A’s in school and it may not get they anywhere.  If they cheat, the consequences could be surmountable.  It’s not worth it!

It's a new year and you can chose to make and keep 'parenting resolutions' for 2011.  How can you become a better parent?  What can you do to become the parent your teens always wanted and deserve?  Here are some suggestions.

Parenting New Year's Resolutions

• To listen to my teen and allow them to vent.
• To not judge my teen.
• To make myself more available to my teen.
• To know and understand that being a teen isn't like it was 20+ years ago.
• To make sure I 'check-in' with my teen to make sure everything is all right.
• To allow my teen to make decisions such as choosing clothing, choosing hair color and hairstyle, etc...
• To take more of an interest in my teen's schooling.
• To take more of an interest in my teen's extracurricular activities.
• To become a better listener.
• To stop yelling and screaming.
• To have compassion for me and my teen.
• To stop and take 10 deep breaths if my teen tells me devastating news.
• To walk away from my teen when they irritate me.
• To join a parenting support group.
• To take parenting classes so I can understand my teen better.
• To deal with my 'childhood' issues or other issues in order for me to become a better parent.
  

What other resolutions can you make?  Share them with your family, friends, PTA members, and parenting groups.

Domestic violence is prevalent in the U.S.  One in four (25%) women has experienced domestic violence in their lifetime.  Statistics for women and men are as follows:  600,000 to 6 million women are victims of domestic violence; between 100,000 and 6 million men are victims of domestic violence.  Staying in an abusive relationship isn't healthy.  Get help and get out of your situation.  Your life is worth it -- you can't help your teen later in life in you're not here.

Staying with an abuser isn't setting a good example for your teen.  It sends the message that your life isn't worth it and you should take whatever comes your way.  It sends the message that you're not deserving of love or worthy of respect.  Is this the message you want to send to your teen?  How do you think it will affect them in their adult life? 

Women tend to stay in abusive relationships for many reasons.  They may believe they deserve the abuse and aren't worthy of love and respect.  They may believe the threats of their abuser.  They're afraid to leave because they fear from their life.  They may believe no one will help them or family members will look down upon them if they leave their marriage.  Whatever the reason is, get out now before it's too late.  You and your teen are worth it.   Your family members are no friends of yours if they condone an abusive relationship.

If you stay in an abusive relationship, your teen could be scarred for life.  Seeing your get beat up or punched in the face isn't something your teen should experience and neither should you.  If your teen is abused, it could wreak havoc on their adult life if they don't get help to undo the damage of abuse. 

Abusive relationships aren't love.  They're destructive and self-defeating.  Abusers were more than likely abused.  If they didn't receive counseling to work through their hurt and pain, they turn out to be like their abusers.  Don't allow an abuser to take your life or the life of your teen.  Stand up and be heard.  Contact your local domestic violence center or shelter.  Help is available and ready for you.  Are you ready to leave your past behind and enter a bright future?  If you are, pick up the phone and ask for help before it's too late.

Links

EVE Foundation
Safe Horizon
Ohio Domestic Violence Network
Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence
California Partnership to End Domestic Violence

Here's the chance for you to assess your parenting skills!  We're about to bid farewell to 2010 and enter a new year.   Make 2011 a year of change.  Take the poll and find out where you can improve your parenting skills.  Self-evaluation and self-reflection are good for the soul.  You may be surprised at what you find.  You're doing the best you can but there's always room for improvement!

Owning a car is a huge responsibility.  You must pay car insurance, put gas in the car, take care of routine maintenance such as brakes, tires, shocks, hoses, and fluid changes in addition to major repairs.  Is a 16-year-old ready for that responsibility?  It depends on how you much responsibility you've allowed them to have. 

I love my 17-year-old niece but she's not very responsible.  It's not her fault, her parents haven't set strong boundaries or taught her anything about saving her paycheck.  In fact, they've taught her the opposite.  My niece made $4,000 which isn't bad for a teenager.  But she hasn't saved a penny of it! 

She got her driver's license a month ago and has been bugging her mom for a car; she's tired of using her mom's.  Lo and behold, her mom's Saturn Station Wagon is on its last leg.  The heater recently died and now the car won't start.  It has seen better days.  My niece wore her mom down by saying they can get a new car and it can be for the both of them.  What!  My niece hasn't paid her grandma back money that she borrowed to buy a digital camera and Wicked tickets.  If her mom and dad don't 'nip this in the bud,' they'll be driven deeper into debt.  Suze Orman would have a field day with this situation!

FYI:  My niece asked her grandma if she'd co-sign a car loan.  Grandma was smart enough to say, "I love you but there's no way I'd co-sign a loan for you or anyone."  Grandma doesn't need to be driven into debt because of her granddaughter.

When I was 16, my father told me that the only way I'd be able to have a car is when I could put gas in it and pay the car insurance.  He told me that if I couldn't put gas in a car, I had no business owning one.  No matter how much I bugged him to go car shopping, he wouldn't budge.  I got a part-time job and worked as much as I could.  I saved my money and had enough in the bank to prove to him that I was ready for the responsibility.  I got my car and took care of it.  My dad helped me with major repairs, but I always put money towards them.  I wanted to show him that I listened to what he said; I was responsible. 

Question:  If your teen isn't responsible enough to save money for a car, how will they be able to buy one and take care of it?  It doesn't make sense.

Parents it's up to you to teach your teen responsibility.  Don't allow them to run the show -- you're their parents!  Most teens aren't working 40 hours a week, paying home owners insurance, paying the mortgage or rent, buying groceries, or paying the utilities and other expenses.  They have no idea of what it's like to live in the 'real' world, especially if they've been sheltered all of their life.

Don't allow your teen to stronghold you into making a major decision just because it will benefit them.  Sit your teen down and explain to them that owning a car is a major responsibility -- it's not a 'Hot Wheels toy!  Take them car shopping if they're ready, if not; make them wait a few years until they become more mature. Good luck!

Over the Christmas holiday, I heard some disturbing news regarding my niece.  My mom told that my niece's YaYa and Papou (Greek grandparents) are paying for the first year of her college education.  My niece's YaYa pulled her aside and asked, "What do you want to study?"  My niece replied, "I'd like to study something in the medical profession such as being a doctor or nurse."  Her YaYa asked, "Are you smart enough?"  My niece was crushed.  Her self-esteem took a nose dive.  If my niece's YaYa isn't careful, she could lose her granddaughter forever.  She better have money set aside for an assisted living or nursing home because I don't think my niece would volunteer to take care of her.

Parents, what you and your family members say to your teens makes an impact harder than a fist.  Telling your teens they can't do something will crush them.  If they're not strong enough, it could paralyze them for life.  They won't take risks later in life; they'll stay stuck thanks to the words spoken to them.

FYI:  The reason why there are many 'wounded' people in this world is because of their family.  You may not want to believe it but it's true.  I've spoken with many adults since I started DEOR Consulting and am amazed at how many adults were 'assaulted or wounded' as children.  If you don't take time to address these issues, you can pass your 'bad habits or patterns of behavior' onto your teens.  You're setting them up in life because you didn't work on yours.

Words can make or break a teenager's self-confidence and self-esteem.  If you or other members of your family constantly pick on them about their weight or grades, you could do more psychological harm than good.  You won't know how much damage you've done until it's too late.  Remember the saying, "Think before you speak."  It would be wise to pause before you say something that will hurt your teens' feelings and damage them forever.

Tip:  You may want to forgo any college money from relatives, especially if there are strings attached.  In my niece's case, her YaYa and Papou are paying for her first year of education.  She can prove them wrong and show them what she's made up and make her YaYa eat her words.  The alternative is to tell YaYa and Papou to keep the money.

If you or your family members pick on or overtly criticize your teens, do something about it!  You're supposed to love and protect your teens.  You may not like standing up to your mother-in-law (it could be good for your self-confidence) but someone has to do it -- you're the parent.  Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, or anyone for that matter has no right to tell your teens they're not smart enough to pursue a line of work.  Stand up for your teens and show them you have their back.  Otherwise, you may find yourself in your old age wondering who'll take care of you because your teens will move on with their life and forget about you.

I was reading something on MSN.com about how we can't control situations but we can control our actions.  This made me think of my father.  Whenever I did something wrong or bad, he would get bent out of shape.  The vein in his forehead would pulsate and his face would turn beet red.  This was entertaining to me when I was a teen.  He thought he was putting the 'fear of God' into me but I would laugh it off.  I couldn't understand why he would get upset about a situation he couldn't control.  I couldn't understand why he wouldn't speak to me in a rational manner and point out the error of my way.  If he would have done this, I would have listened to him and taken him more seriously.

Parents, you can't control every situation.  For example, let's say your teen is playing catch with his friend.  They're standing too close to the house and haven't moved after you told them to do so.  The next thing you know, the baseball is flying through the window.  Instead of getting upset, take a few deep breaths before you address the situation.  Point out that the broken window is coming out of your teen's weekly allowance.  Explain to your teen that rules are rules and when they're broken there will be consequences.

Let's say your teen comes home and tells you she's pregnant.  Before you start yelling and screaming (you may pass out), remove yourself from the situation.  Tell your teen you need some space to think about the news you just received.  Go to another part of your house, the park, or for a walk.  Clear your head before you address your daughter.  What's done is done.  Shouting and lecturing your daughter won't do any good.  Think about all of the options available to your daughter and help her make the right decision for her, the baby, and the father of the baby.  No matter what decision is made, no that you did the best you could and ultimately sometimes teens get themselves into messy situations.

Controlling your reactions to stress situations is beneficial to your health.  You don't need to have a heart attack or stroke at an early age.  Remember when you were a teen.  How did you test your parents?  What did you do that drove your parents' crazy?  It's a cycle that repeats itself over time.  Your teen will grow up, become an adult, and may have children.  They'll understand how tough it is to be a parent when they become one.  Hang in there!

I love my sister but she allows my 17-year-old niece to get away with murder!  Okay, not murder but my niece isn't being taught responsibility.  She recently got her driver's license and is out of control.  When my sister comes home from work, my niece takes the car and returns it with a gas tank that's on empty.  She doesn't eat right and is always sick.  My sister and he husband are at fault.  They're supposed to teach my niece about nutrition and responsibility.  Sometimes I believe that people who work in the medical field are the worst offenders when it comes to nutrition.  My sister is a medical assistant and knows that greasy fast food isn't good.  I know my sister is doing the best she can but she's the mom.  She and her husband must set and enforce the rules -- they're the parents!My niece may have a tough time when she goes off to college in the fall.  That is if she graduates on time.  She's missed too much school and could end up in summer school.  Her boss is ready to fire her because she's missed a lot of work.  She has to give the school and her boss a doctor's note.  Something must change; otherwise she'll be headed down a rocky path in life.

FYI:  When I was a teen my father told me that I had to pay for my own car insurance and put gas in my car.  He agreed to help with major repairs and purchases such as tires but if I missed a car insurance payment, my beloved Mustang GT would have been sold in less than 2.5 seconds!  I never missed a car insurance payment and my car always had gas!

When my niece goes off to college in the fall, she'll have a rude awakening.  The professors won't hold her hand and make sure her assignments are completed and turned in on time.  They won't care if she passes or fails because they get paid either way.  I'm sure there are some caring professors but most of them are looking for tenure and security.  My niece will be in charge; she isn't making good choice right now.

Tidbit:  My dad was laid off for over five years and times were tough.  The only time we ate fast food was on a Friday because my mom got paid every Friday.  We never had fast food or pizza every Friday but when we did it was a treat. 

Parents, it's up to you to set the rules of the house.  It's up to you to ensure your children develop good eating habits.  Fast food, chips, cookies, ice cream, and other foods aren't good for the body.  I'm not saying to deprive your children but eating 'junk food' seven-days a week isn't good for any body.  You could Plan meals ahead of time and get your teens involved.  Allow them to help prepare and serve meals.  Try to eat dinner together whenever you can as a family.  Teenagers need to learn independence but parents are still in charge until their teens leave the house!

BTW:  At the end of my sophomore year of high school, I took control of my eating habits and lost 40 lbs.  I had my mom buy me fruits and vegetables; I gave up red meat and fast food, and worked out.  I was tired of being picked on the kids at school and by some family members.  But more importantly, I knew I had to change my eating habits because if I didn't they could have killed me.

I was flipping through the stations and landed on The Dr. Phil Show.  I rarely watch Dr. Phil but decided to watch this episode.  The subject of the show had to do with a mom who harasses her teenage daughter Brooke about her weight.  The studio and television audience were shown clips of the mom and daughter getting into screaming matches and fights about the daughter's weight.  The mom berated and made her daughter feel like crap.  I had to press the mute button because I couldn't take the screaming.  Parents, yelling and screaming at your kids won't cause them to lose weight; it will cause them to gain weight!

Brooke's mom was upset that her daughter gained weight.  Brook's mom and dad walk to lose weight but Brooke doesn't walk with them because she says they walk too fast.  Whether or not this is true is beside the point.  The 'real' reason Brooke doesn't walk with her mom and dad is because of the way her mom treats her.  Who wants to be picked on all of the time?  It's a 'no brainer' that Brooke turns to food for comfort.

Dr. Phil told the mom she' a control freak; I agreed with his assessment.  The mom counter-argued that she has to control Brooke's life because she's not in control of her life.  The mom also stated that Brooke has a 'whatever attitude' and she doesn't like it.  Unfortunately, some teens and adults have a 'whatever' attitude. 

Brooke said something poignant during the show.  She told Dr. Phil that her mom doesn't understand what it's like to be a teenager in the 21st century.  Brooke is teased at school and her self-confidence and self-esteem are low.  Her mom should listen to her daughter because she's reaching out for help but the mom is too wrapped up in her own little world to listen.

Dr. Phil wasn't thrilled with this mom, although he gave her credit for caring about her daughter and her health.  Brooke likened her mom's voice to fingernails on a chalkboard!  At one point during the show, Dr. Phil sent the mom off stage.  When the mom came back he said to her, "Parents talk like their kids just showed up.  They don't take responsibility for them."  The mom admitted that this was true.

The solution for this situation was for Brooke to get help from Dr. Phil and others because the mom was undermining her self-esteem and sabotaging her.  Criticism was curbing Brooke's appetite -- it only enhanced it.

The next time you yell and scream and your teens to lose weight take a step back and regroup.  Ask yourself the following questions:  How is my behavior helping?  What can I do differently?  What is my son/daughter feeling and experiencing?  How did I feel when I was overweight?  Put yourself in your teenager's shoes.  It will help you find a solution that works not hurts!

*If you or your teen needs help, contact Structure House, a residential weight loss center.