I read a great article about how parents who parent their kids with the "Do as I say, not as I do" parenting method. How's that working for you? When I was a teen, I was curious about smoking. My mom, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and neighbors smoked, and I figured there wouldn't be an issue if I tried it. One day I decided to take my mom's unfinished cigarette and fire it up! Unbeknownst to me, my mom was on her way home from work! I did my best to quickly put out the cigarette and spray the smoke away. Did I get busted? Yes, I did. However, I pulled the "You smoke so why can't I?" My mom didn't know what to say -- she knew I was right. The same thing applied when I tried beer as a teenager. I come from an alcoholic family so I figured I could handle it more so than other teens. Luckily, I'm an adult now and realize my choices weren't the best. I didn't realize this when I was a teen because I was very rebellious. My home life and family was such a mess, and I acted out.

If you smoke, drink, max out your credit cards, do drugs, sleep around, etc. and tell your kids not do it, they will do it. It's better to parent by example rather than tell kids not to do what you do. Your teens will have more respect for you, especially if you take the time to explain the consequences of their actions. Telling kids not to drink, smoke, do drugs, etc. without giving them an explanation won't work -- it didn't work on me when I was a teen.

Like it or not, your teens learn from your actions and words. You are their greatest teachers. Make sure you lead by example. Keep the lines of communication open and don't silence your teens. Listen to them and what they have to say. For example, you may be uncomfortable speaking about certain topics such as sex, but it is better they receive the information from you versus their friends or the internet. Sex is such a taboo subject in the U.S. when compared to other countries. It's not surprising that the U.S. has a high teen pregnancy rate compared to European countries. 

Take a deep breath and keep your eyes and ears open. Teens need their parents today more than ever. Remember, you were once a teenager. Why not learn from your parents and grandparents mistakes and try a new parenting method? Be open and honest and don't lie to your teens. Strengthen your relationship by spending time with them but also give them their space to figure out who they are right now and who they want to be in the future. Give it a try. What do you have to lose?

To say that being a single parent is tough is an understatement. Everything's on your shoulders including raising your children. How do you cope? How do you survive? How do you give your kids everything from love to a roof over their head? You do the best you can but being a single parent doesn't have to be all negative, there are positive effects of single parenting.

Positive effects of single parenting

1. The responsibility of raising your kids lies with you. If you have sole custody of your children, you won't have to worry about an ex spouse or partner raising your children with less than ideal morals and values.
2. You can teach your children about responsibility. Everyone has a role to play and their contributions are important.
3. You have a community. If you're lucky, you have people who love you and your kids and are willing to help out whenever you need it. This is a great way to teach children how a community of people can make a difference.
4. You and your kids will develop strong bonds.
5. Your children will see first-hand that sometimes life has its ups and down. It can turn on a dime and your situation can change within a split second. They'll learn how to move forward and won't become a victim of their circumstances.
6. Children will learn life balance. They'll be your number one priority; however, they won't be the center of the universe. They'll learn the importance of alone time and will learn how to express their needs; they'll understand the difference between needs and wants.

Negative effects of single parenting

1. The responsibility of raising your kids lies with you.
2. You may not have an 'extended' support system.
3. Your ex spouse/partner may not be cooperative.
4. You could experience a social stigma.
5. You may not be able to advance your education because you work two or three jobs. You may struggle financially.
6. You and your children may experience more psychological problems.
7. Children may suffer from abuse more so than those within a cohesive family unit. Parents may become angry by their situation and take it on their kids.

It's a new year and you can chose to make and keep 'parenting resolutions' for 2011.  How can you become a better parent?  What can you do to become the parent your teens always wanted and deserve?  Here are some suggestions.

Parenting New Year's Resolutions

• To listen to my teen and allow them to vent.
• To not judge my teen.
• To make myself more available to my teen.
• To know and understand that being a teen isn't like it was 20+ years ago.
• To make sure I 'check-in' with my teen to make sure everything is all right.
• To allow my teen to make decisions such as choosing clothing, choosing hair color and hairstyle, etc...
• To take more of an interest in my teen's schooling.
• To take more of an interest in my teen's extracurricular activities.
• To become a better listener.
• To stop yelling and screaming.
• To have compassion for me and my teen.
• To stop and take 10 deep breaths if my teen tells me devastating news.
• To walk away from my teen when they irritate me.
• To join a parenting support group.
• To take parenting classes so I can understand my teen better.
• To deal with my 'childhood' issues or other issues in order for me to become a better parent.
  

What other resolutions can you make?  Share them with your family, friends, PTA members, and parenting groups.

Domestic violence is prevalent in the U.S.  One in four (25%) women has experienced domestic violence in their lifetime.  Statistics for women and men are as follows:  600,000 to 6 million women are victims of domestic violence; between 100,000 and 6 million men are victims of domestic violence.  Staying in an abusive relationship isn't healthy.  Get help and get out of your situation.  Your life is worth it -- you can't help your teen later in life in you're not here.

Staying with an abuser isn't setting a good example for your teen.  It sends the message that your life isn't worth it and you should take whatever comes your way.  It sends the message that you're not deserving of love or worthy of respect.  Is this the message you want to send to your teen?  How do you think it will affect them in their adult life? 

Women tend to stay in abusive relationships for many reasons.  They may believe they deserve the abuse and aren't worthy of love and respect.  They may believe the threats of their abuser.  They're afraid to leave because they fear from their life.  They may believe no one will help them or family members will look down upon them if they leave their marriage.  Whatever the reason is, get out now before it's too late.  You and your teen are worth it.   Your family members are no friends of yours if they condone an abusive relationship.

If you stay in an abusive relationship, your teen could be scarred for life.  Seeing your get beat up or punched in the face isn't something your teen should experience and neither should you.  If your teen is abused, it could wreak havoc on their adult life if they don't get help to undo the damage of abuse. 

Abusive relationships aren't love.  They're destructive and self-defeating.  Abusers were more than likely abused.  If they didn't receive counseling to work through their hurt and pain, they turn out to be like their abusers.  Don't allow an abuser to take your life or the life of your teen.  Stand up and be heard.  Contact your local domestic violence center or shelter.  Help is available and ready for you.  Are you ready to leave your past behind and enter a bright future?  If you are, pick up the phone and ask for help before it's too late.

Links

EVE Foundation
Safe Horizon
Ohio Domestic Violence Network
Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence
California Partnership to End Domestic Violence

Here's the chance for you to assess your parenting skills!  We're about to bid farewell to 2010 and enter a new year.   Make 2011 a year of change.  Take the poll and find out where you can improve your parenting skills.  Self-evaluation and self-reflection are good for the soul.  You may be surprised at what you find.  You're doing the best you can but there's always room for improvement!

Over the Christmas holiday, I heard some disturbing news regarding my niece.  My mom told that my niece's YaYa and Papou (Greek grandparents) are paying for the first year of her college education.  My niece's YaYa pulled her aside and asked, "What do you want to study?"  My niece replied, "I'd like to study something in the medical profession such as being a doctor or nurse."  Her YaYa asked, "Are you smart enough?"  My niece was crushed.  Her self-esteem took a nose dive.  If my niece's YaYa isn't careful, she could lose her granddaughter forever.  She better have money set aside for an assisted living or nursing home because I don't think my niece would volunteer to take care of her.

Parents, what you and your family members say to your teens makes an impact harder than a fist.  Telling your teens they can't do something will crush them.  If they're not strong enough, it could paralyze them for life.  They won't take risks later in life; they'll stay stuck thanks to the words spoken to them.

FYI:  The reason why there are many 'wounded' people in this world is because of their family.  You may not want to believe it but it's true.  I've spoken with many adults since I started DEOR Consulting and am amazed at how many adults were 'assaulted or wounded' as children.  If you don't take time to address these issues, you can pass your 'bad habits or patterns of behavior' onto your teens.  You're setting them up in life because you didn't work on yours.

Words can make or break a teenager's self-confidence and self-esteem.  If you or other members of your family constantly pick on them about their weight or grades, you could do more psychological harm than good.  You won't know how much damage you've done until it's too late.  Remember the saying, "Think before you speak."  It would be wise to pause before you say something that will hurt your teens' feelings and damage them forever.

Tip:  You may want to forgo any college money from relatives, especially if there are strings attached.  In my niece's case, her YaYa and Papou are paying for her first year of education.  She can prove them wrong and show them what she's made up and make her YaYa eat her words.  The alternative is to tell YaYa and Papou to keep the money.

If you or your family members pick on or overtly criticize your teens, do something about it!  You're supposed to love and protect your teens.  You may not like standing up to your mother-in-law (it could be good for your self-confidence) but someone has to do it -- you're the parent.  Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, or anyone for that matter has no right to tell your teens they're not smart enough to pursue a line of work.  Stand up for your teens and show them you have their back.  Otherwise, you may find yourself in your old age wondering who'll take care of you because your teens will move on with their life and forget about you.

I love my sister but she allows my 17-year-old niece to get away with murder!  Okay, not murder but my niece isn't being taught responsibility.  She recently got her driver's license and is out of control.  When my sister comes home from work, my niece takes the car and returns it with a gas tank that's on empty.  She doesn't eat right and is always sick.  My sister and he husband are at fault.  They're supposed to teach my niece about nutrition and responsibility.  Sometimes I believe that people who work in the medical field are the worst offenders when it comes to nutrition.  My sister is a medical assistant and knows that greasy fast food isn't good.  I know my sister is doing the best she can but she's the mom.  She and her husband must set and enforce the rules -- they're the parents!My niece may have a tough time when she goes off to college in the fall.  That is if she graduates on time.  She's missed too much school and could end up in summer school.  Her boss is ready to fire her because she's missed a lot of work.  She has to give the school and her boss a doctor's note.  Something must change; otherwise she'll be headed down a rocky path in life.

FYI:  When I was a teen my father told me that I had to pay for my own car insurance and put gas in my car.  He agreed to help with major repairs and purchases such as tires but if I missed a car insurance payment, my beloved Mustang GT would have been sold in less than 2.5 seconds!  I never missed a car insurance payment and my car always had gas!

When my niece goes off to college in the fall, she'll have a rude awakening.  The professors won't hold her hand and make sure her assignments are completed and turned in on time.  They won't care if she passes or fails because they get paid either way.  I'm sure there are some caring professors but most of them are looking for tenure and security.  My niece will be in charge; she isn't making good choice right now.

Tidbit:  My dad was laid off for over five years and times were tough.  The only time we ate fast food was on a Friday because my mom got paid every Friday.  We never had fast food or pizza every Friday but when we did it was a treat. 

Parents, it's up to you to set the rules of the house.  It's up to you to ensure your children develop good eating habits.  Fast food, chips, cookies, ice cream, and other foods aren't good for the body.  I'm not saying to deprive your children but eating 'junk food' seven-days a week isn't good for any body.  You could Plan meals ahead of time and get your teens involved.  Allow them to help prepare and serve meals.  Try to eat dinner together whenever you can as a family.  Teenagers need to learn independence but parents are still in charge until their teens leave the house!

BTW:  At the end of my sophomore year of high school, I took control of my eating habits and lost 40 lbs.  I had my mom buy me fruits and vegetables; I gave up red meat and fast food, and worked out.  I was tired of being picked on the kids at school and by some family members.  But more importantly, I knew I had to change my eating habits because if I didn't they could have killed me.

I spoke with a mom from Chicago, IL and she told me how teens at her daughter's high school were bullies.  Her daughter is a young adult now but when she was in high school she was bullied.  The school she went to was a prestigious all-girls school.  Yes, bullying occurs in private and public schools; it doesn't discriminate.  I asked this mom, "Where would teens learn how to bully?"  She told me that she'd volunteer to help out with school functions and some of the moms were rude.  They weren't nice to the other moms and they'd break off into cliques.  If you're wondering why bullying is out of control, take a look in the mirror because your teens could be learning bullying from you.

You may not think your teens pay attention to you but they do.  They'll mimic your actions, thoughts, and beliefs.  If you're rude to people, they'll learn that behavior from you.  If you cut people off in traffic, your 16-year-old will learn that driving behavior from you.  Like it or not, you're responsible for raising your children.  Don't rely on teachers, school administrators, grandparents, and everyone else to do it for you.  These people are secondary.

Tidbit:  Dr. Phil recently told a mom:  "Parents talk like their kids just showed up.  They have children but don't take responsibility for them."

If you're wondering why bullying has spun out of control, you may want to take a look in the mirror.  Go within and honestly assess how you treat people. How do you treat your teens?  How do you treat employees at your local grocery store?  How courteous are you when you drive?  You may be surprised to learn that teens are learning bullying from you.  Be honest and truthful with yourself.  Forgive and have compassion for yourself.  You can change your behavior which will change the behavior of your teens.

Parents, what are you teaching your children about bullying and what it means to be a bully?  Children learn from you and your behaviors.  If you gossip or fight with your spouse/partner, there's a good chance your children will follow in your footsteps and do the same.  If you use passive aggressive behavior to get what you want then you children may grow up to use passive aggressive behavior as well.  Take a look in the mirror and see how your actions are affecting your teens.

School administrators and teachers can only do so much when it comes to bullying.  It's up to parents and guardians to teach their teens about what is right and wrong and what is and is not acceptable.  Until this happens, bullying may continue within school systems.

How to prevent bullying

1.  Watch your actions.  Do you gossip about co-workers, bosses, friends, or relatives?  Do get into fights with your spouse/partner?  Your teens observe you and your actions will teach them how to act.  Take a step back and evaluate your behavior at home and work.  You may be surprised by what you find.  The good news is you can change your actions for the better, and you'll be a better role model for your teens.

2.  Avoid passive aggressive behavior.  Not speaking to your spouse/partner, friends, or family members to get what you want is an act of passive aggressive behavior.  This is a form of bullying.  If you refuse to speak to the people around you or pout because you didn't get your way, you're not teaching your teens how to deal with situations in a healthy manner.

3.  Teach teens to be leaders and stand up for those who are being bullied.  Bystanders who watch bullying happen aren't any better than bullies.  Teens need to know that it's all right to take a stand and to help others.

4.  Bullying occurs for many reasons.  Teens could be mimicking the actions of their parents or are being bullied.  If you teens are being bullied, find out what's happening and speak with teachers and school administrators to stop the bullying.

Parents, be active in their teens' lives.  You're responsible for raising your teens, everyone else is secondary.  Be present in their lives so you know what's going on with them.  If they don't want to communicate with you, find someone who they'll communicate with and get to the "root" of the problem.

Teach teens that bullying has consequences such as detention or expulsion.  Some parents and school districts have been sued because of bullying.  If you don't want this to happen to you then teach your teens that bullying is a weakness and 'what goes around comes around!'

Some parents grew up in an environment where mistakes were frowned up by their parents or others.  Do you allow your teens to make mistakes around you?  If you don’t, you could be setting them up for failure in their adult life.  Everyone makes mistakes, it’s how you handle them that counts.

Whenever teens make a mistake, allow them to make it.  It’s an opportunity to show them how the law of cause and effect has on their mistakes.  Point out to them the consequences of their actions.   Some may be minor, others may be severe.   Mistakes allow teens to grow and develop as a person. 

Mistakes can lead to character development.  Teens will learn valuable lessons and realize they have the strength to deal with them.   Whatever they must face may seem difficult but when they’re older, they’ll realize how valuable the lessons were.

Avoid calling teens’ names such as stupid or idiot when they make a mistake.  These words are hurtful and will deflate their self-esteem and self-confidence.  And try not to point out “they’re doing something wrong.”  How do you know they’re doing something wrong?  There is more than one way to accomplish a task.  Your way may not be the only or best way.  Realizing this will make you humble.

Teens need guidance when they make mistake.  Perhaps you committed the same mistake they did when you were their age.  Remember that before you lose your temper.  These are the formative years and teens will benefit from learning from and dealing with their mistakes.  Remember, you won’t always be there to help and support them.  Learning how to deal with and handle their mistakes is a great way for teens to learn independence.

Parents, allowing teens to make mistakes is apart of growing up.  Teens are not toddlers – they can handle the “boo-boos” they experience.  Stand by their side and support them no matter what.  Remember that you were once a teenager and probably did far worse than your teens.  You may want to share that with them or not!