To say that being a single parent is tough is an understatement. Everything's on your shoulders including raising your children. How do you cope? How do you survive? How do you give your kids everything from love to a roof over their head? You do the best you can but being a single parent doesn't have to be all negative, there are positive effects of single parenting.

Positive effects of single parenting

1. The responsibility of raising your kids lies with you. If you have sole custody of your children, you won't have to worry about an ex spouse or partner raising your children with less than ideal morals and values.
2. You can teach your children about responsibility. Everyone has a role to play and their contributions are important.
3. You have a community. If you're lucky, you have people who love you and your kids and are willing to help out whenever you need it. This is a great way to teach children how a community of people can make a difference.
4. You and your kids will develop strong bonds.
5. Your children will see first-hand that sometimes life has its ups and down. It can turn on a dime and your situation can change within a split second. They'll learn how to move forward and won't become a victim of their circumstances.
6. Children will learn life balance. They'll be your number one priority; however, they won't be the center of the universe. They'll learn the importance of alone time and will learn how to express their needs; they'll understand the difference between needs and wants.

Negative effects of single parenting

1. The responsibility of raising your kids lies with you.
2. You may not have an 'extended' support system.
3. Your ex spouse/partner may not be cooperative.
4. You could experience a social stigma.
5. You may not be able to advance your education because you work two or three jobs. You may struggle financially.
6. You and your children may experience more psychological problems.
7. Children may suffer from abuse more so than those within a cohesive family unit. Parents may become angry by their situation and take it on their kids.

My niece and nephew took refuge by their grandma's because their mom yelled at them because she thought they took her cord that connects her iPod to her radio. They told her they didn't take it but she was on the war path and wasn't about to listen to them.  Did their mom find the cord?  Yes, she did.  It was in her bedroom!  Organization goes a long way and can make your life easy.

Before you accuse your teens of stealing your iPod, MP3 player, video game, favorite pen, or whatever it is you need, look for it.  If you can't find your personal possessions, it may be time to get organized.  Being organized will make your life easier because you'll be able to find what you're looking for.  Instead of spending hours looking for whatever it is you need, put it in a storage cabinet or drawer.  You'll save yourself time and headaches.

Organization tips

1. Buy cabinetry and have it installed in your garage and laundry room.  Put away the gardening tools, fertilizer, windshield washer, oil, anti-freeze, and whatever else you have in your garage. Clean up your laundry room and the next time you have to do laundry, you'll be able to find the detergent, fabric softener, dryer sheets, and whatever else you use.
2. Put paper, pens, and pencils in an office caddy.
3. Buy wicker or plastic bins to organize your home office, laundry room, mud room, bathrooms, and bedrooms.  
4. Buy a closet organizer and get your shoes off of the floor! By slim hangers because they don't take up that space.
5. Buy a filing cabinet and put your important papers in it.  Make sure you buy a fire proof and lockable cabinet.
   

Being organized is a life saver because you'll know exactly where your stuff is and your home won't look like a cyclone went through it.  A home is supposed to be your sanctuary.  If there are clothes everywhere, dishes piled in the sink, and junk on your dining room table, how will that make you relax?  You'll become anxious because there's stuff everywhere; you probably can't move.  Your friends and family may not want to come over because they may think your house isn't clean. 

Note: Please don't keep your home messy to deter your in-laws or parents from visiting you.

It's a New Year, get organized and watch how your life becomes simpler.  You'll be able to find paper, pens, and pencils if you need it.  Your laundry room will look immaculate because everything is off of the floor and in its proper place.  If your  home isn't organized, clean up one room at a time.  Before you know it, your home will be sparkling clean and your life will be organized!

I read an article about how teen pregnancy can benefit some teen girls.  If a teen girl is from a poor neighborhood, being pregnant means alcohol and drugs are not an option if she wants a healthy baby.  It's believed that a teen girl will be committed to the baby and will stay home at night to care for the child.  Is this true?  Wouldn't a teen girl from a poor neighborhood struggle to provide for her baby?  Will she end up on welfare?  It's an interesting point-of-view.

It's true that a teen girl's partying ways (if she parties) could be curbed if she wants a healthy baby.  If not, she can do damage to her and the baby.  The pregnancy could be riddled with complications.

Teen pregnancy will show a teen that raising a child isn't easy.  It's a major responsibility and sometimes you must sacrifice sleep and having fun because you have a baby to support.  Your friends may leave you because they don't have kids and want to hang out with people like them.  When you have a child your life changes in ways that you can’t imagine.

A teen that gets pregnant will face challenges, especially if the family isn't supportive.  They'll go from a child to an adult over night.  If you have a teen that's pregnant, do the best you can.  Help them make the best decisions for them and the baby.  They need love and support.  It may not be an ideal situation but they're still your child.

Do you think teen pregnancy has benefits? If so, what are they? 

I read an article about a dad vetoing the home schooling of his daughter.  The dad believes that home schooling is isolating and won't help his daughter develop social skills.  The mom wants to continue home schooling her daughter but is imposing 'religious' views on her daughter and this isn't sitting well with her ex-husband.  Click here to read the article.

Divorce isn't easy and most of the time, children are put in the middle.  When it comes to schooling, do what's best for your children.  If you want to continue with home schooling, make sure your kids are enrolled in group activities.  This way they can develop and grow their social skills.  If you want your children to attend public school, schedule time to teach them additional material.  They may not like it but it could be good for them, and you'll be able to teach them what you want to teach them.

Unfortunately, kids are put in the middle when parents divorce.  If they're shuffled from home-to-home, they can become exhausted and frustrated from it.  Do what's best for your kids and put your differences aside for a moment.  Step into your kids' shoes and think about how they must feel.  It may not be easy for them not to have mom and dad together.  Take the feelings of your kids into consideration before you make a drastic move.

Sometimes a parent will pit their children against the other parent.  Please don't do this.  It's not fair to your kids.  They didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't have to suffer because your marriage ended.  Resolve your differences -- leave the kids out of it.  Resolve any 'inner' issues you have before you get into another relationship.  If you don't, you're more than likely to repeat the marriage that just ended.  You don't want to go through that again.  More importantly, your kids don't want to go through it.

It happened again, I was channel surfing and landed on the Dr. Phil show.  The program was about cheaters, specifically teens who cheat in school.  It was revealed that 64% of teens cheated last year; 36% of teens didn’t cheat.  They feel pressure from peers, parents, teachers, and professors.  There is indifference from schools because they have to meet federal and state requirements.  And it wouldn’t look good if the school receives a bad rating.

It doesn’t help when moms and dads admit they cheated in high school.  The consensus among teens is that it’s okay to cheat.  In fact, 80% of the who’s who among college students said they cheated. 

Where’s the value system?  Why isn’t it developed?  How would it look if your teen is caught cheating?  What would be the punishment?  These are some questions parents may want to ask themselves.

Insight:  My nephew’s friend strives to make A’s in school to please his parents because if he doesn't, they'll beat him and yell and scream.  I don’t know if this is true because I never met the kid and haven’t had a chance to question him.  I know children don’t lie, and I don’t think my nephew would lie.

One teen girl who was on the show said she feels pressure from parents and professors.  She said that her mom and sister were both valedictorians and she feels she must live up to this high expectation.  This girl is under an extreme amount of pressure.  By the way, the teen girl’ mom and sister weren’t on the show.

Dr. Phil made a couple of good points.  First, he and his wife never told their sons they would be in trouble if they didn’t get straight A’s in school.  He wanted his two boys to have friends and fun, develop a personality, and travel.  He wanted them to make an “A” in life.  If they made B’s that was fine for him as long as they tried their best.  Second, he said teens need to moderate the amount of pressure they put on themselves to get all A’s in school.  Third, Dr. Phil said, “you’re regurgitating material, memorizing facts and figures, and giving your power away in an unreasonable way.”  Finally, according to Dr. Phil, “cheating doesn’t make your smarter – it gives you a grade you didn’t earn.”

Parents, let your teens know they can make it through school without cheating.  They sacrifice fun and sleep to make all A’s in school and it may not get they anywhere.  If they cheat, the consequences could be surmountable.  It’s not worth it!

It's a new year and you can chose to make and keep 'parenting resolutions' for 2011.  How can you become a better parent?  What can you do to become the parent your teens always wanted and deserve?  Here are some suggestions.

Parenting New Year's Resolutions

• To listen to my teen and allow them to vent.
• To not judge my teen.
• To make myself more available to my teen.
• To know and understand that being a teen isn't like it was 20+ years ago.
• To make sure I 'check-in' with my teen to make sure everything is all right.
• To allow my teen to make decisions such as choosing clothing, choosing hair color and hairstyle, etc...
• To take more of an interest in my teen's schooling.
• To take more of an interest in my teen's extracurricular activities.
• To become a better listener.
• To stop yelling and screaming.
• To have compassion for me and my teen.
• To stop and take 10 deep breaths if my teen tells me devastating news.
• To walk away from my teen when they irritate me.
• To join a parenting support group.
• To take parenting classes so I can understand my teen better.
• To deal with my 'childhood' issues or other issues in order for me to become a better parent.
  

What other resolutions can you make?  Share them with your family, friends, PTA members, and parenting groups.

Domestic violence is prevalent in the U.S.  One in four (25%) women has experienced domestic violence in their lifetime.  Statistics for women and men are as follows:  600,000 to 6 million women are victims of domestic violence; between 100,000 and 6 million men are victims of domestic violence.  Staying in an abusive relationship isn't healthy.  Get help and get out of your situation.  Your life is worth it -- you can't help your teen later in life in you're not here.

Staying with an abuser isn't setting a good example for your teen.  It sends the message that your life isn't worth it and you should take whatever comes your way.  It sends the message that you're not deserving of love or worthy of respect.  Is this the message you want to send to your teen?  How do you think it will affect them in their adult life? 

Women tend to stay in abusive relationships for many reasons.  They may believe they deserve the abuse and aren't worthy of love and respect.  They may believe the threats of their abuser.  They're afraid to leave because they fear from their life.  They may believe no one will help them or family members will look down upon them if they leave their marriage.  Whatever the reason is, get out now before it's too late.  You and your teen are worth it.   Your family members are no friends of yours if they condone an abusive relationship.

If you stay in an abusive relationship, your teen could be scarred for life.  Seeing your get beat up or punched in the face isn't something your teen should experience and neither should you.  If your teen is abused, it could wreak havoc on their adult life if they don't get help to undo the damage of abuse. 

Abusive relationships aren't love.  They're destructive and self-defeating.  Abusers were more than likely abused.  If they didn't receive counseling to work through their hurt and pain, they turn out to be like their abusers.  Don't allow an abuser to take your life or the life of your teen.  Stand up and be heard.  Contact your local domestic violence center or shelter.  Help is available and ready for you.  Are you ready to leave your past behind and enter a bright future?  If you are, pick up the phone and ask for help before it's too late.

Links

EVE Foundation
Safe Horizon
Ohio Domestic Violence Network
Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence
California Partnership to End Domestic Violence

Here's the chance for you to assess your parenting skills!  We're about to bid farewell to 2010 and enter a new year.   Make 2011 a year of change.  Take the poll and find out where you can improve your parenting skills.  Self-evaluation and self-reflection are good for the soul.  You may be surprised at what you find.  You're doing the best you can but there's always room for improvement!

Over the Christmas holiday, I heard some disturbing news regarding my niece.  My mom told that my niece's YaYa and Papou (Greek grandparents) are paying for the first year of her college education.  My niece's YaYa pulled her aside and asked, "What do you want to study?"  My niece replied, "I'd like to study something in the medical profession such as being a doctor or nurse."  Her YaYa asked, "Are you smart enough?"  My niece was crushed.  Her self-esteem took a nose dive.  If my niece's YaYa isn't careful, she could lose her granddaughter forever.  She better have money set aside for an assisted living or nursing home because I don't think my niece would volunteer to take care of her.

Parents, what you and your family members say to your teens makes an impact harder than a fist.  Telling your teens they can't do something will crush them.  If they're not strong enough, it could paralyze them for life.  They won't take risks later in life; they'll stay stuck thanks to the words spoken to them.

FYI:  The reason why there are many 'wounded' people in this world is because of their family.  You may not want to believe it but it's true.  I've spoken with many adults since I started DEOR Consulting and am amazed at how many adults were 'assaulted or wounded' as children.  If you don't take time to address these issues, you can pass your 'bad habits or patterns of behavior' onto your teens.  You're setting them up in life because you didn't work on yours.

Words can make or break a teenager's self-confidence and self-esteem.  If you or other members of your family constantly pick on them about their weight or grades, you could do more psychological harm than good.  You won't know how much damage you've done until it's too late.  Remember the saying, "Think before you speak."  It would be wise to pause before you say something that will hurt your teens' feelings and damage them forever.

Tip:  You may want to forgo any college money from relatives, especially if there are strings attached.  In my niece's case, her YaYa and Papou are paying for her first year of education.  She can prove them wrong and show them what she's made up and make her YaYa eat her words.  The alternative is to tell YaYa and Papou to keep the money.

If you or your family members pick on or overtly criticize your teens, do something about it!  You're supposed to love and protect your teens.  You may not like standing up to your mother-in-law (it could be good for your self-confidence) but someone has to do it -- you're the parent.  Grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, or anyone for that matter has no right to tell your teens they're not smart enough to pursue a line of work.  Stand up for your teens and show them you have their back.  Otherwise, you may find yourself in your old age wondering who'll take care of you because your teens will move on with their life and forget about you.

I was reading something on MSN.com about how we can't control situations but we can control our actions.  This made me think of my father.  Whenever I did something wrong or bad, he would get bent out of shape.  The vein in his forehead would pulsate and his face would turn beet red.  This was entertaining to me when I was a teen.  He thought he was putting the 'fear of God' into me but I would laugh it off.  I couldn't understand why he would get upset about a situation he couldn't control.  I couldn't understand why he wouldn't speak to me in a rational manner and point out the error of my way.  If he would have done this, I would have listened to him and taken him more seriously.

Parents, you can't control every situation.  For example, let's say your teen is playing catch with his friend.  They're standing too close to the house and haven't moved after you told them to do so.  The next thing you know, the baseball is flying through the window.  Instead of getting upset, take a few deep breaths before you address the situation.  Point out that the broken window is coming out of your teen's weekly allowance.  Explain to your teen that rules are rules and when they're broken there will be consequences.

Let's say your teen comes home and tells you she's pregnant.  Before you start yelling and screaming (you may pass out), remove yourself from the situation.  Tell your teen you need some space to think about the news you just received.  Go to another part of your house, the park, or for a walk.  Clear your head before you address your daughter.  What's done is done.  Shouting and lecturing your daughter won't do any good.  Think about all of the options available to your daughter and help her make the right decision for her, the baby, and the father of the baby.  No matter what decision is made, no that you did the best you could and ultimately sometimes teens get themselves into messy situations.

Controlling your reactions to stress situations is beneficial to your health.  You don't need to have a heart attack or stroke at an early age.  Remember when you were a teen.  How did you test your parents?  What did you do that drove your parents' crazy?  It's a cycle that repeats itself over time.  Your teen will grow up, become an adult, and may have children.  They'll understand how tough it is to be a parent when they become one.  Hang in there!